Making a Better Man Part Two: The Woman in the Mirror

Part of my coaching involves a radio program called "The Bottom Line" where I take calls from people all around the country  who are struggling with issues they can't seem to overcome.  One such call I took recently involved a woman who was - according to her - 'stuck' in a toxic relationship that she couldn't seem to break free from... one that was damaging her 14 year old son.  She knew the abuse she accepted from her husband (not the father of her son by the way) was doing damage to her son's world view and she called me to help her out of it.

But as soon as I got her to see what the real issue was - the fact that she would never leave her current husband because he fulfilled in her a deep seated need for abuse - she got furious with me and began to yell at me, telling me I didn't know her and that I was dead wrong.  "How dare you assume who I am!" she exclaimed.

I then asked her a few simple questions: "how long have you been in this abusive relationship?"  She told me 8 years.  "Was it always abusive from the beginning?"  She admitted that although the abuse got worse as the relationship progressed, that it was violent from the beginning.  Finally I asked her the most important question - the one that most people simply can't answer: "Why haven't you left?"  There was silence after that one.  I then turned the mirror on her:  "You've been in a relationship that was abusive from the beginning... you've stayed in the relationship despite the damage its done to you and your son... you refuse to leave or make the situation better, and yet you find it very easy to scream at me when I point out the one thing you refuse to see:  "You need to be in that relationship because it serves you in some way.  If that wasn't the case, you'd be long gone."

There was a long silence as I could tell she was contemplating the truth I laid before her.  Finally she spoke up:  "So what am I supposed to do?"  Again I confronted her with the glaring truth that had been slapping her in the face - literally - for 8 years.  "LEAVE!" I said.  "And not just for your sake, but for your son!  Do yo really want him to grow up thinking that its okay to hurt women, or disrespect women?"  She answered a soft "no."  "Well then, I said, you're doing a pretty good job of it.  Whatever you need out of this relationship is not as important as what your son needs to learn and grow in this world."

Ladies, life is tough and we make difficult choices based on the needs we have at the time in our lives.  But deciding on a partner based on a need which is based on a past pain, mistake, or abuse can only lead to more of the same.  Relationships are not fixes for the past - if you treat them as such, you will simply repeat the past, not cure it.  And remember... if you have children, you're not teaching them to learn from your mistakes, you're teaching them to repeat them.

Know yourself, don't NO yourself.

Making a Better Man Part One: "Monkey See, Monkey Don't"

As a young man I grew up watching my mother take daily abuse - mental and physical - from my father.  I grew to see her as weak and disconnected.  A sensitive person by nature, I taught myself to avoid any abuse of women when I began to get into relationships, but doing the opposite of what my father did was a trap that I set for myself based on the lie that if I didn't do the opposite of what my dad did I would be destined to be exactly like him.  And so my early life in the company of women was based on a lie about myself.  As a result I was compensating for a flaw I didn't possess and I wasted a lot of time in the wrong relationships.  Here was my thought process:  As a very young man I saw my mother abused by my father.  I look, sound, and think exactly like my father.  I must be just like him in all ways.  I must not become an abuser.  I will avoid relationships which lead to marriage so as to not destroy the lives of my wife and future children.  On the outside I will seek the 'perfect' woman and resent and push away any and all women who do not live up to my standard of perfection - thus never having a committed relationship.  

Once I got clear on the fact that not only was I NOT an abusive person, nor would I be the same person in a relationship as my father was, but also that any mistakes I did happen to make would be just that - mistakes, I was set free.  From there I was able to chart a new course for my life which led me straight to my wife.

This is what we do... we base our behaviors and beliefs on a decision we make early one which says "I'm not going to be like this, or I'm going to be just like this" and it's all a sham built from an original misunderstanding.

Whew!  Anyone exhausted?

Imagine living a life unburdened by the misguided decision a child makes, which still ripples through your daily actions and choices.  It's virtually  impossible to stop a child from misunderstanding an event in life, but it's entirely possible to raise a child to choose a life that is powerful based on who they truly are.  The best way to do this is based on a great saying my grandfather once told me:  "If you want to give your children the best gift possible, simply love their mother."  Women - you are our first best defense against the bad choices men make early on.  Mothers who constantly seek out or stay in toxic relationships are teaching boys that this is all women are worth.  Don't stay in a bad relationship for the wrong reason ... your children will see that you respect yourself enough to choose something better.  And they will too.

The worst thing we can do to our kids is give them an example of what NOT to be - it sets up a life of avoiding character traits they may never actually possess.  Instead, be the example they can look up to, the example they can live into.

Know yourself, don't NO yourself.