This Isn't it.

How many times have you said this: “If I only had ___________________ then I’d be happy” ? You could fill that blank in with just about anything and it would have meaning to you. A lot I imagine. We all believe that changing that one thing that’s getting in our way will bring about a happier life if only we could change it. But the fixation on happiness – the belief that is we simply eliminate the one negative thing in our life that is holding us back – is a phenomenon best described in the sentence we all have uttered at one time or another: “This Isn’t It.” Years ago when I was first starting out as a coach, I worked with a guy (we’ll call him Gus) who believed that just about everyone in the office where he worked was talking about him behind his back. He never engaged with his coworkers, never spoke to the them directly, and never verified if indeed he was the subject of this gossip. Gus had a high level position and as a result of his beliefs about being talked about used his influence to transfer one of his top talents thinking she was the source of the ‘back-stabbing.’ The woman he transferred was one of the best at her field and the company soon suffered as a result of the loss. Productivity decreased, malevolence swelled, and Gus – who took on her position as leader of that division – was eventually fired for his poor decision making. By the time he came to me, he was lost in regret and confusion over what had happened. Whether its Gus removing his most valuable player, or you or me cutting off our noses to spite our faces - fixating on the goal of security will naturally summon its opposite – insecurity. By questing for joy, you are forced to acknowledge that which is keeping you from that joy, that which you believe is the source of your unhappiness, thus giving it power, thus making it wrong. And when you make something wrong you never learn what that thing may be teaching you and you stay stuck. This is why millions of us ask each day “Why am I unhappy?” Despite your best laid plans to eliminate doubt, fear, competition, insecurity, those elements will still haunt you if you don’t take a look at why you have them in the first place. Why have some people achieved great things and you haven’t? Why do some people seem to have it all, and you still struggle with finding happiness? There's only one difference between you and someone just like you who may have more success in the same area where you struggle: The successful person believes from their core that they have a right to achieve their goals no matter what – this is what gives them that competitive edge, that passion, and ultimately that success. Try this exercise and see what you come up with: I want you think of someone that is successful. It can be anyone who has what you want right now. Now answer these questions: Does this person they have a firm grasp of his/her own abilities? Does she/he ignore the fear of what others think? Do she/he always seem to know in their heart that they belong where they are? If you answered “Yes” to those questions, then you’re thinking of someone who has the edge in knowing themselves and their abilities, including the ability to harness the confidence it takes to follow through on going for their goals. Now… ask the same questions about yourself. Do you respond “Yes” to each question? If not, why? What will it take to get you there? With the above in mind, write down a sentence about yourself based on how you feel, filling in the blanks below. Be as honest with yourself as possible, and don’t think about what you’re writing, or how you can respond perfectly, just simply write what you feel based on your current situation. If I only had ______________________________________________ Then I’d do _______________________________________________ And finally be _____________________________________________ Now, take the word “Be in the last sentence and match it with the word you wrote down and live your life that way. If you wrote “Happy” be happy first. If you wrote “Wealthy” be wealthy first. The only thing standing in your way is the fact that you put your haves before who you’re being. You think if you’re going to be happy you have to have something outside of you change. It will never work that way, because chances are that thing outside of you is never going to change and if youre waiting for your happiness to be dictated by an external even over which you have no control, you’re going to be waiting a long time. Being love first will attract love in your life. Being happiness will allow others to be attracted by your joy. Being forgiveness will clear the slate for the right relationship to find its way to you. The bottle doesn’t make you a drunk, the tall brunette doesn’t make you ugly, and your friend’s success doesn’t make you a loser. If you’re waiting for something in your life to change just so you can be happy or successful, start with yourself – what can you change? If you’re blaming someone else for your lack of success or misery, forgive yourself for playing into the debilitating fear that has robbed you of your ambition. Consider this quote: “All my life I was knocking on the door, until it opened and I realized I was inside the whole time.” Be your best, Steve

TRUST Who do you trust? It’s a pretty good question – especially these days when we are so savvy we know when we’re being sold a bill of goods by a someone that acts like it’s all about us when it’s really about them! Except for car salesmen... I really do believe they have my best interest at heart! But whether you’re buying a new Chevy or investing in a new relationship trust can be a difficult thing to give away. Once burned twice shy goes the proverb and it stands to reason that based on past negative experiences (and we all have them) you’d be hesitant to jump blindly into a new situation without cautiously vetting it first. Recently I was able to coach a couple to a significant breakthrough in their relationship; For the past 20 years Barry had been the codependent husband, struggling daily with his wife Arlene’s alcohol addiction. His natural tendencies to want to fix Arlene, to save her, kept Barry in the relationship year after year as his sense of self worth was validated through his good deeds and unimaginable patience. But after two decades of despair, putting her to bed at 7pm after she passed out, cleaning up after her when got sick from the alcohol, making excuses to friends, co workers, family, Barry finally put his foot down and threatened to leave Arlene if she didn’t get her act together. That’s when I met them. In a rare case of double coaching, I decided to take them both on as clients at the same time. I worked with them separately at first. Getting Arlene off alcohol and repairing the root causes of her misery wasn’t easy, she had not only the 20 years of drinking but a life time of self esteem issues and negative limiting beliefs that we needed to resolve. Through hypnosis and the amazing Timeline Therapy™, I took Arlene back to the root cause of her pain – her father abandoning her and her family when she was just six years old – and created a reframe of the situation where she could see her father as the weak, irresponsible person he was, and see herself not as someone who deserved to be left behind, but an innocent bystander in a hit and run marriage. With Barry I focused on getting him to see that his pattern was that of a savior – stepping in to solve the problem that Arlene couldn’t on her own. His own struggles to take over for his father when he passed away at a young age forced Barry to be father and husband and provider. He stuffed his own needs way down and protected his mother from poverty and pain, doing what he felt he needed to do: save her. When Arlene and Barry met, they both had come out of failed first marriages and were desperately looking for a partner that would understand each other’s pain and make it better. Barry, believing he was helping Arlene, watching over her like he did with his mother. But Arlene, not believing she was worth the love and support she got, descended deeper into her alcoholism and their dysfunctional relationship limped along. But once they came to see me something happened that they weren’t prepared for; Arlene, clear that she had only two choices - sobriety or death - got sober and stayed sober and began to build her life as an independent, strong person who understood her own worth in the world, and Barry didn’t know what to do with himself. As a savior and caretaker he was no longer needed, and he found himself clinging to the fear (or perhaps the unconscious hope) that Arlene might relapse. Barry’s mistrust of Arlene’s commitment to sobriety was keeping his former self in play and it was causing a rift in their relationship. He used his mistrust of her sobriety as a mask for the fear that he was no longer useful – and ultimately no longer needed. Or loved. After working with me, Barry realized that not trusting Arlene would only drive them further apart and in order to create a new relationship with his ‘new’ wife he needed to be reborn as well. And that required trust... trust not only in Arlene, but in himself, that he could rely on himself to be simply Arlene’s husband not her father or savior. Trust that who he was was good enough, he didn’t need heroics or 11th hour miracles performed to show his value. He agreed that he would let go of his old paradigm and take on a new one: Trust. Barry and I came up with a plan to show Arlene his new commitment. He bought her a very simple, very special engagement ring and on one knee asked Arlene to marry him. Again. He told her that the ring was a a symbol of his trust and he was giving it to her for her to keep to remind her of his resolve. After 20 years of marriage, Barry and Arlene were brand new people eager to discover themselves and each other for the first time. Earnest Hemmingway wrote "The best to find out if you can trust someone is to trust them" and he’s right, trust is not something that someone has to earn, it’s a gift you give knowing you may get hurt, but you give it anyway because you understand that life is risk and you are responsible for your choices. Here’s some things you can do right now to create trust in your life: 1. Give up the story. Whatever ‘story’ you’re telling about yourself or someone else that keeps you at a distance is likely a story that isn’t true – and certainly not serving you. See if you can create a new story based on the best of you and the other person, not the worst. “Look for the gold in the other person” my coach used to tell me. It works if you try. 2. Practice trust. Start in small doses, small moves. Pick a situation that requires you to trust something or someone and simply open your arms, close your eyes and your mouth and allow things to unfold. These small, bold moves will get you in the habit of trusting not only bigger things in life, but your own ability to instinctively choose powerfully. 3. Have faith. When choosing trust over mistrust, you never know for certain if you’re making the right call. Life can be a gamble, but when you take that leap of faith toward a goal you know is right for you, you will find out who you really are and what you’re willing to do to achieve it. When Barry took his leap of faith, he fell right into the arms of someone who caught him - Arlene. Understanding that trust is a puppet without strings, a gift without a receipt, an “I love you” without the need for the return will change the way you live and love your life. Because living life is not always about playing it safe, sometimes a leap of faith is required, sometimes an act of blind trust is necessary to move forward – something we’re all here to do. So take that risk and trust someone – give it away and know that with good intentions and having your heart in the right place all will work out the way its supposed to. Trust me! Be your best, -Steve

A Small, Cold War

Recently released statistics from Colorado show a spike in gun sales since the Aurora shootings last week.  People who didn't have guns, felt they needed them and those who had enough guns felt they needed more. Why?   Form the gun buyer's perspective it would seem that arming oneself is the surest way to stay safe  in a world where a masked, lone gunman can shoot up an unsuspecting crowd in a movie theater.  That assessment seems logical, and just.  But it is dead wrong. Several years ago a friend of mine - a police officer - told me that it was imperative that I have an emergency kit in my garage, and that I should stock this kit with first aid, water, rations for three weeks, a knife, a gas valve tool, a bucket and toilet seat, a roll of quarters and cash, flash lights, foul weather gear, and... most importantly... a gun.  He told me, as the trained professional that he was, he never wanted to be caught with his pants down should any disaster - natural or man made - befall him.  He wanted to be ready for anything.  And he was!  His disaster kit fit inside a ski carrier and it was truly impressive. Inspired by my friend's example I began to assemble my own disaster survival kit.  It became quite fun as I shopped for various items I could include.  I planned and worked for weeks on the  kit, assembling it with such care and precaution.  I left nothing out... except the gun.  That I refused to add.   When I was done, after weeks of planning and assembling, a feeling came over me that I didn't expect - one that truly frightened me - but was as real as any other I had ever felt:  I began to hope for a disaster so I could put my emergency kit to the test.   As I wrestled with these very real and very frightening thoughts, I began to imagine how the weekend warriors and militia brigades feel when they stockpile weapons and hold training exercises in the woods, preparing to defend themselves against enemies foreign and domestic.  I understood the instant paranoia preparing for the unexpected can bring and I suddenly understood how getting wrapped up in "defending yourself" can easily lead to being the aggressor. History has shown that amongst nations, mutual destruction scenarios have been enough to stem the obliteration of all mankind - e.g. the U.S. and the Soviet Union stockpiling so many nuclear weapons that each side realized setting them off would mean the demise of their own empire - a scenario where neither side could win. But the stockpiling of guns by ordinary citizens of this country is not the same thing.  Proponents of the second amendment will tell you that it is their constitutional right to bear arms.  Their #1 reason: To defend against any government who seeks to take away their freedoms.  Their #2 reason: To defend against intruders or those who may do them harm.  And so the second amendment exists so that those who feel the paranoia of others coming after them can defend themselves at all costs.   But what about the perpetrators.  They have rights too, don't they?  Mass murderers like the shooters at Virginia Tech, Columbine, Fort Hood, and of course Aurora have the right to bear arms.  But their reasons are for inflicting undue harm to innocent life without provocation.  Do we forgive these heinous acts in the name of the second amendment, or do we decry them in the name off the first amendment - the right to stay alive?   Its been famously said that guns don't kill people, people kill people.  That is certainly true.  But what is the alcoholic without the alcohol?  What is the boxer without the ring?  What is the crazed, lone misfit without the gun?   When the gunman in Aurora pulled the trigger, taking 12 lives - one of them a child, three of them men throwing their bodies over their women to shield them - He did so with weapons he bought easily and ammunition he stockpiled without raising any red flags or arousing suspicion.  Because it was his constitutional right to do so, this crazed gunman - protected by the second amendment and lax gun laws, took the lives of people who would never and could never abuse that same privilege or harm others just because they could. Bein given the right to carry a gun doesn't mean you should.  And those who hold onto their guns will fight for their right to keep them, even going so far as to use that gun against anyone who tries to take it away.   And that's the point, isn't it... "I have this gun so you won't take it from me." I still have my disaster kit, but I no longer secretly wish to try it out - it's there in case I need it, but I don't want to need it, and in fact I never think about it.  Guns are not, and should not be thought of as a deterrent.  Like thoughts, actions, words, and emotions, guns are what we make of them.  But if we never had guns in the first place, we might actually have to solve our issues like the civilized people we claim to be.   We might have to actually talk to one another. Be your best... Steve    

So TomKat are no more, and apparently, Katie Holmes pulled several fast ones on the all-seeing, all-knowing, all-levitating Tom Cruise in what appears to be a desperate coup to escape the clutches of his Scientology-fueled grip on her. And now that she's free, we can welcome her back to society with open arms and warm understanding. But wasn't it her biggest wish as a young lady to be married to Tom Cruise? Didn't she fantasize as an adolescent to be whisked off by the movie star and swept up in the life and love of one of the world's biggest celebrities? What happened? How could a dream come true become such a nightmare? It happens all the time - it's probably happened to you; you wished for something and when you got it, it turned out to be the very thing you didn't need. Lottery winners experience this all the time, it's what economists Andrew J. Oswald and Rainer Winkelmann call "Winner's Remorse," when you achieve an overwhelming goal that is beyond your ability to manage it. People fall in love all the time, and they fall out of love all the time too. But focusing on a goal for the goal's sake is usually a recipe for disaster, because falling in love with an idea or an image will undoubtedly lead to disappointment or worse. Here are a few tips to help you stay on track with your goals and make sure you always get exactly what you want with no surprises. 1. Do your homework Falling in love with the idea of something and not fully understanding what it is that you love can be a mistake. I always wanted a '67 Mustang and when I finally got one, it leaked oil, rattled, was too slow, and guzzled gas. It was more trouble than it was worth and I got rid of it pronto. Tom Cruise is not a '67 Mustang, but once Katie got behind the wheel, she certainly wasn't into his Cruise Control option. 2. Be open to change People and things aren't perfect. If you're willing to accept the flaws of another person, and allow them and yourself to be open to tweaking yourselves a little bit to serve the relationship, you will find you're a happier person because of it. Relationships are a dance, if you can stay committed to being your best throughout the relationship, then you can handle anything that comes your way. 3. Choose powerfully True love is loving someone for who they are and who they are not. But if you find that in the process of growing you have grown apart from the person or situation and it no longer serves you, then you can just as powerfully choose to no longer be associated. Ending a relationship is not a failure, it's a successful step in choosing your life powerfully, and not putting aside your needs for your wants. Sometimes the very things you need are the things that are already in your life, and choosing what you have powerfully now can keep you from thinking that the frog you desperately need is the handsome prince you’ve always dreamed of. Be your best! Steve