Hope... revisited

Recently I came face to face with the realization that all I hope for isn't always all that I receive. It occurred to me that in my ever long pursuit of happiness, I set up the parameters in which the happiness needed to exist. If I met those goals, I was happy. Simple enough.

But more often I did not see my precise hopes realized the way I envisioned, and unhappiness, frustration, even resentment followed. This very human response is what the Buddha described when he opined "All unhappiness stems from unfavorable comparison." In short, the grass is always greener on the other side of the street.

As I often do after a pitfall, I began to deconstruct my thinking around my frustration - how did I get to this point? why? what factors contributed to my disappointment and resentment? As I've written about in previous passages, blaming outside situations for my frustration is easy, but it's not the whole story - I needed to see how my own reactions to life caused my unhappiness.

And then one day I realized... it's not the reaction that causes my pitfall, it's the hope. In other words it's not the 'unfavorable comparison' that was getting me down, it was the hope that if I tried harder this time, the situation that frustrated me might change.

But as Wayne Dyer says, "When you change the way you look at something, that something will change."

I've seen this happen with my own family members. I tried for years to get them to see what I saw - take on what I had taken on - think the way I thought. They wouldn't. The hope that someday they might discover the truths that I had (the truths that set me free) kept me trying so hard to get them to change. And when they didn't, I found myself frustrated, hurt and lost. Again.

What I decided to do was change the way I hoped for an outcome. I had trained myself to visualize the exact thing I was looking for, focus on it, and therefore manifest it. Now I created a new paradigm of manifestation where being committed to happiness, rather than seeking it specifically or in certain situations or from certain people, was the goal.

Happiness as a journey companion - not a destination, squeezed by constraints, timelines, or 'must haves.' It changed my life and more importantly, my relationships.

Here are 3 ways you can revisit hope and discover that happiness lives throughout your life, not only around the corner or someday:

1. Choose the bad. Life is a roller coaster, you've got your ups and downs, and you never stay too long in either. If you choose the down times as powerfully as you choose the ups, you'll come to accept your WHOLE life, and not just the good times (which make up only a percentage of your whole time here on Earth.)

2. Choose the good. When you do have a windfall, fall in love, get a job or a raise, or just plain have a great day, choose that moment powerfully with the knowledge that the feeling is wonderful but fleeting. Live in the moment, revel in it, and put it in your emotional bank for the down times - you'll need to remind yourself of those good times when the tough times come around.

3. Trade hope for 'being with what is so.' This can be a tough thing to do. But I want you to pick one situation in your life that despite your best efforts will not change - a situation which has caused you frustration, resentment, or pain. Now... let it go. Stop trying to change it. Stop hoping that it will change. Most likely after all this time, it won't. Then get yourself a huge ice cream and celebrate your freedom from the shackles of your attachment - and the commitment you resolve to take on as you work on you, and you alone.

After banging my head against the wall with my dear family member, trying to make her see what I see, I realized that she doesn't want to, or simply cannot, see what I want her to see. She isn't me and I am not her, and no matter how hard I try, this will not change. But what can change - and indeed has changed - is my hope that it will. I have released myself from my own prison and am free to love her as she is, and myself for who I am as well. I'm grateful for this lesson, and hope (yes I said HOPE!) it inspires you as well.

Be your best,

Steve

Ready, set...

Imagine you are an Olympic-class runner, on your mark, set at the starting line. At the end of the sprint, something you’ve waited for your whole life: The gold metal. What is the first and only thing that has to happen – out of your control – for you to achieve that goal?

The starting gun needs to be fired.

And so there you stay, at the starting line, crouched and ready, wanting so desperately to cross the line first and bring home the gold.

But the gun never goes off. Why?

It’s no secret that most of us in this culture want so desperately the things that seem out of reach, down the road, on the other side of the fence or a few months away… “Over there.” Our focus for happiness seems to be narrowing on the things we don’t have as if the magic pill to take which will give us happiness is just a heartbeat away, if only we had …(fill in the blank).

But what seems to occur in your quest for what's on the other side of the fence is that “over there” is either never within our reach, or if it is, it ceases to be important or integral to your happiness once you get there.

If you focus solely on the endgame, the finish line, the prize, you often can become blind to the initial reason you were so desperate to get there in the first place.

Success will never be just around the corner, over the next hill, tomorrow, next week. Success is not a destination to get to, but a place from which to embark. Come from your success - the knowledge that your gifts will serve you if you serve them back by trusting them - and you will always be successful!

Be your best,

-Steve

LEAP YEAR – 5 Powerful ways to get back on track!

The last few years have been extraordinarily difficult to manage what with the struggling economy, lame housing market, job losses, and dwindling hope that the American Dream will ever come back. Experts call it Recession Fatigue, that numb exhaustion derived from the gloom that has lingered over the economic recovery.

You’ve done your best through these difficult times to keep up a positive attitude, not hurt others’ feelings, watch your diet, your thoughts, your speech, your etiquette, your spending… You’ve worked so hard to be so good despite the fact that life hasn’t always been that good back to you.

There is some good news, things are turning around, and there’s even a little bonus this year to help you get into the spirit of the new you: This year there’s an extra day in the month of February – it’s called “Leap Year” and man, do you need this! It’s time to stop worrying about being good, and focus on being great!

But after such a long time of holding back, being conservative with time, money, and even emotions, you might have lost that pre-recession spark that kept you confident, large and in charge. Don’t worry, these five tips will get you right back to your old self – the self you may have forgotten about.

1. Remember Your History. They say those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it, but in your case, remembering yourself in your former glory is exactly the right way to get you back on your feet. Get out old photos, journals, or zoom back in time on your timeline in Facebook and get back in touch with the crazy you that took risks and believed in miracles.
2. Leap before you look. Despite what anyone tells you, taking risks is still the best way to make your mark and advance yourself to the next level. Yes, you’ve had to play it safe through these dark times, but you didn’t have to stop living your life! Call the person you have a crush on, ask for more time off if you need it, share intimate feelings with those you trust. No recession can rob you of the person you are, so surprise yourself by doing or saying something really powerful before you talk yourself out of it!
3. Trust. Yes I know, “Once burned twice shy,” I got it. It’s easy to withhold trust from someone or something, especially after a difficult experience. But trust is not something to be earned, it’s a gift that you give knowing that you still may be disappointed. If you know all possible outcomes, you should never be surprised.
4. Display Your Trophies. It’s easy to forget the positive things in our lives if we allow them to be overshadowed by the negative ones. In my house we have an accomplishment wall. On it are framed diplomas, certificates of achievement, soccer trophies, running medals, and first grade drawings. Everyone in the family posts something they are proud of – reminders that anything is possible with determination and persistence.
5. Be Your Best. Yes, you still have to be good, because you know its who you are –the best of you comes out when you are there for someone else, either by assisting someone in need, or by living as an example of someone who knows that true strength is knowing when to ask for help. And remember… being your best means treating yourself with the same compassion and acceptance you would give a friend.

It’s been said that when you’re at the bottom, there’s no way to go but up. So don’t slowly pull yourself out of where you’ve been, LEAP UP and make this new year and your new life the absolute best it can be. Imagine where you’ll be four years from now!

-Steve

Success? There's an App for that.

As I get older, I am continually impressed by the younger generation, despite the tendency we older folks have to poo poo the entitled, spoiled, 'Y generation' for being lazy, even aimless. Recently I met a 22-year-old golfer, Matt, who hopes to go pro in the next year or two. His focus and confidence were impressive.

Matt is one of many young up-and-comers who I've encountered who genuinely impress me. (I shamelessly also must include my 3 nieces who speak three languages and are at the tops of their respective classes). And I’m impressed mainly because kids today seem stapled to their iPhones and iPads, often not even taking the time to look up, engage, or connect in person. How will they ever make it in this world if they can’t connect?

But indeed, 'being connected' is something this young generation does very well. With access to information, opinion, expression, and history, Matt, my nieces, and their peers are experiencing the world in a way I never could have at their age. The internet - while capable of being many things - is a teacher and a life line.

Many have criticized the younger generation for expecting things immediately - the instant gratification that an on-demand world creates. But with that 'want it now' attitude also comes an expectation to learn from experience and grow from others' wisdom that previous generations didn't have immediate access to. In short, they're smarter faster, and smart enough to take advantage of it.

Here are three things I’ve learned from young people that I will never forget:

1. The world is not going to hell in a hand basket. When I was a young man, blasting “The Who” and bad-mouthing my civics teacher, I garnered some of that criticism from my elders who held their ears and their stomachs at the thought of the new generation destroying everything they built. I actually heard myself say the other day, these kids today have so much, they take so much for granted. I checked the mirror to see if I had become my father!

2. Despite their constant electronic distractions, kids today really care. Kids like Erika and Matt pay attention to what’s going on in politics, education, the environment. They have a fire in their belly for making the future a brighter place for themselves – a fire we older folks may have seen extinguish within ourselves. I for one an inspired by the wherewithal young Americans posses in matters that truly concern their future, not just their present.

3. Technology is our friend. My 3-year-old daughter navigates an iTouch like a nerves-of-steel surgeon, and the games she plays are all learning games – games that will prepare her for the speedy world ahead. My 6-year-old daughter uses an iPad in her class room. She along with her friends are part of an experimental group of kids who will be testing out the usefulness of the tablet as a teaching tool. I can only sit back in awe as I know one day I will be fumbling over the next piece of technology to make my life easier as my child pushes me aside to help me figure it out.

The current economy may not provide hope for kids coming out of college these days, but it is the kids themselves who provide hope that the future will be in good hands because those who are the future demand it. Now.

Be your best,

Steve