Life Coach, Empower Thyself!

So one of the hardest things to do as a personal success coach is to turn the enlightenment on myself and follow my own advice. In this case: Understanding your power, and never taking NO for an answer! Recently I was offered an opportunity to take part in a makeover surprise on a daily talk show. I was to be featured as the life coach for a woman who was destitute, she lost her job, her home, and her ability to pay her rent.

This national daytime talk show was a perfect forum for me to share my message of stepping into your own greatness, not allowing circumstances to cloud your true power and self esteem, and the opportunity to take care of yourself before taking care of others, or as I often say to my clients, “A candle losing nothing lighting another candle.” Buoyed by the prospect of a national audience, I cancelled a previously scheduled trip and agreed to provide free coaching for a year to the lady-in-need, in exchange for my participation during a segment on the show. This single mother of five who lost her husband to pancreatic cancer years earlier has lost her job and was now facing eviction, and the show was offering her a year’s worth of rent, a head-to-toe makeover, and a year’s worth of success coaching from yours truly. I couldn’t wait to meet her! On the day of the taping I arrived at the studio to find that the names of all the guests who were there to provide services for this lucky lady were all on the doors of the dressing rooms with the exception of my own. This mysterious incongruity between my ability to serve others in such a powerful way and also draw virtually no attention to myself has always baffled me. Do I have some cloak of invisibility that I’m not even aware of that seems to activate when I need acknowledgement? Despite the door mishap, I was thrilled to be on the show and looking forward to my part in it. During rehearsal I was asked to wait back stage while the designers and make up experts walked through their parts for the show. I was then told that I would be sitting in the audience and when the host stood next to me, I could stand up, address my new client and tell her (in 10 seconds or less) what was in store for her from my coaching. My first thought of course was “Hey, this wasn’t what I agreed to, and everyone else is on stage, and I’m the only one providing ongoing services for a year and I’m the one in the audience?” My next thought was “Shame on you… this is about her, not you…. You’re here to serve (My success paradigm up to this point has been “Contribution”) and just sit in the audience and when your time comes, knock her socks off. (In ten seconds or less of course.”) Cloak of invisibility engaging... But as the show carried on, I sat in my chair, watching her make up, hair, and stylist experts fawn over her new look and thinking to myself “you’re actually doing something real, you’re going to inspire and ignite her from the inside out… this will be her greatest gift!” I was getting more and more excited for my ten seconds. And then my moment came. The host stood next to me, began to thank the stylist and the hair person and the make up person for their contribution and finally angled toward me and said “And also, you’re getting a year’s worth of free life coaching from Steve Truitt! Now… back to your new look…” And that was it. Not ten seconds. Not five seconds. Zero seconds. Cloak of invisibility successful. Now my first thought at that point was “What? This is ridiculous! I’m offering a free full year of coaching (which ain’t cheap, I can tell you) and I get a three-second shout out? These stylists up on stage spent 20 minutes on a highlight and a tuck and they’ve been on stage the entire program! This is total B.S.!” Yes… that’s what I thought. Then I said to myself “Steve, c’mon. Is the show about YOU? No. This is about a woman who desperately needs your help! Remember, your success paradigm is Contribution! Get over yourself, smile, thank the show’s producers for thinking of you and go home.” And that’s exactly what I did. The next morning I woke up in the worst mood I could have been in. I was mad, and I needed to know why. Why? Was it the producer who blew me off? Was it the back stage crew who forgot to post my name on the door? Was it the unfulfilled promises of airtime in exchange for services? No, I was mad at me. I was so excited about the prospect of airtime and sending my message out to the world, I forgot to make sure (like any business man would) that the arrangement I made was going to be honored – I was so excited to be Contribution! Contribution. My success paradigm. “If I am always being Contribution, then I am always successful.” This is the way I have lived my life since I began as a personal success coach. My goals for my career have always centered around giving.

And that – as much as any other kind of lure of success – like fame, money, revenge, likeability is a trap. And I fell right in. I was so focused on being the good guy that gives and gives and gives, I never thought about what I was losing to be that person. I was selling out on my own needs to have success in a career focusing on others – my apparent invisibility caused by my own activation of those powers. So what happened here? Why didn’t I get my end of the deal? One of my favorite lines from the play “Fences” comes when a father is advising his son on how to avoid getting taken advantage of by his friends at school. He tells his boy, (who gives too much to the kids just to be liked), “Don’t worry about whether people like you, just make sure they do right by you.” I have told client after client after client this story for years. But like Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction, realizing that consistently spouting out the same bible quote before he takes down a foe without understanding the context of the verse, I never really thought about how the “Fences” quote applied to me. I have been so lucky to have helped so many people, and have been so gratified when I hear from past clients about how well they are doing. But at the end of the day, if I had to write a thank you note to myself for all I’ve done for me, it would fit on a Post-It note with room to spare. I’ve had a genuine breakthrough as a result of this experience – and for me, breakthroughs are few and far between as I am constantly monitoring and tweaking my own life. But this one was a biggie. I remain grateful to the producers and host of the show who were kind enough to think of me. I’m thrilled to be helping this woman discover her passion for herself again and get her on the right track. But by the same token, I’m heading straight to the mirror each morning and asking “What do you need and how can I help you get it?” I’m just kinda hoping the reflection has something really awesome to say back! Post script: Several days after the show taping I wrote a polite, but direct letter to the producers explaining my stance on the inequity of our business arrangement and they couldn’t have been more apologetic or accommodating. They have kindly invited me back at the soonest possibility to participate in a much more robust way, and I happily accepted. “Take your oxygen first,” “Make sure they do right by you,” “To Thine Own Self Be True.” “Treating people fairly doesn’t necessarily mean treating them the same.” These aren’t catchy maxims conjured up to temporarily stave off depression or get into a quote book, these are necessary tools passed down through the ages from wiser, more seasoned thinkers – gifts for us (myself included) from those who came before us and made the mistakes we have the opportunity to avoid. These gifts are to be opened, enjoyed, and shared. Contribution? I’ll always give. But my new success paradigm “Balanced Engagement” ensures that, like the rising tide that lifts all boats, when I light that other candle my own flame will stay as bright as ever. Be your best, Steve

The Lindsay Lohan Paradox

The Lindsay Lohan Paradox Steve Truitt, CHt. NLP Practitioner, Personal Success Coach I opened my news source to discover that again Lindsay Lohan had been arrested for assault due to an altercation in a nightclub at 4 in the morning. After multiple arrests, countless chances to redeem herself and hours of community service and un-tolled months of probation, she has found herself back in a legal and public relations morass that will continue to solidify her reputation as a person out of control. Without burying the lead, I’ll just spit it out… Lindsay Lohan is in trouble because she is committed to being in trouble. As a practitioner of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (The science of how the mind talks to itself and sees the world as a result) I have not only encountered hundreds of cases with similar patterns as Ms. Lohan’s, but have myself struggled early on with a paradigm personal failures in which I was never able to understand why I was trapped. How many times have you said this: “If I only had ___________________ then I’d be happy”? You could fill that blank in with just about anything and it would have meaning to you. A lot I imagine. We all believe that changing that one thing that’s getting in our way will bring about a happier life if only we could change it. But the fixation on happiness is a phenomenon best described in the sentence we all have uttered at one time or another: “This Isn’t It.” In my own life I have struggled with consciously wanting one thing, but unconsciously achieving another. The best example of this for me would be my relationships. By the time I reached 38 years old I was as yet unmarried, but deeply wanting to be in a loving, committed relationship that would lead to marriage and children.

Consciously I had spent years working on myself to become the best husband I could be. I attended seminars, learned from women in successful relationships what they wanted and needed from a man, and pointed myself in the direction of these positive habits so that when I met my true love, I would jump right in and be the best husband ever. But relationship after relationship turned out badly. I either picked someone I never respected or appreciated, or hyper-focused my attention on someone who was emotionally unattainable. Several times when I had a good woman by my side I would do something to sabotage it and eventually drive her away. One day I was at a party and met a guy who seemed like me but older – he was in fact 50 years old. We got to talking and I asked him if he was married. He paused a moment, looked down, and whispered sullenly “No, I’ve never been married.” Something about his face and tone, seemed to portray ME in the future, and his apparent regret got to me. “That’s going to be you,” I thought to myself, “50 years old and alone, no wife, no children, no legacy.” I was terrified at the thought that not only was it possible that I could end up that way, but that I was present enough to know myself at that point and understand that I was actually driving myself down that exact road. It was a watershed moment for me – the “ah ha” moment we all talk about. The awakening. That awakening was enough for me seek out the reasons behind my perpetual bachelorhood and not only get to the bottom of it, but change it. I sought out a talented coach trained in the same disciplines in which I am now trained and we went to work. The first thing I had to realize was I wasn’t destined to be single, I was committed to it. That was a hard pill to swallow! How could I be committed to being the thing that was making me so unhappy? It just didn’t make sense! “But you are committed to it,” my coach said, “otherwise you would have something else in your life.” He was right, it was a simple concept that I tried to make complicated because I was afraid to admit the truth of it. Once I faced it, it all became so clear for me. (Which by the way is why I now am a Personal Success Coach – simply because the results were so empowering for me, I chose to share it with the world!) Everything you have in your life right now you’re committed to. This is a fact. I realized through intense work, introspection, NLP exercises, and Timeline Therapy™ that my need for a relationship was a ‘fix’ for my parents’ terrible marriage that was at best turbulent 24-7. I grew up wanting consciously to have a better relationship than my parents did, but was driven by the unconscious belief (based on proven results right in front of me) that relationships = pain. Makes sense, doesn’t it? If you believe deep down that relationships are painful then it makes sense to seek out the best you can find to ‘fix’ that problem. Or you become the one who creates the pain, driving yourself back into the ditch of your unconscious belief because that is the core thought from which you proceed. My breakthrough was so unexpected and so mind blowing, it completely changed how I saw myself as an individual and a person in a relationship and in this world. Once I got clear that I would not be the same partner and parent I witnessed in my own family, (mainly because I am so different than my parents by nature), I knew that I deserved to have that kind of love in my life. I was lit up, free! For the first time in my life I realized I was worth being loved

after years of telling myself behind my own back that no one could ever love someone who had the potential to destroy a family. Before I even had a chance to try, I had unconsciously convinced myself that I would ruin my marriage and kids and so I steered away from healthy relationships and toward toxic ones – all the time wondering why I couldn’t find true, lasting love in my life – blaming everyone else for my issue, never looking just over my shoulder for the answer which was right there. Once my coaching was complete, It took one phone call to a friend I had ignored for years because I knew she represented a ‘successful’ relationship to get me on the right track. She introduced me to my wife and we are still married today having just celebrated our 8th anniversary. We have two healthy and beautiful daughters and that demon I was so afraid of being to my family has never, and will never show up – because he was never there. But here is the rub: As a young person you are instructed by your surroundings to see yourself a certain way. Difficult, selfish, or out of control parents will always imprint on a child a toxic belief system that the child then carries on her own into adulthood. If, for example, a child is neglected by self-absorbed, narcissistic parents, and then used by those parents to expand their own perceived importance by pushing that young child into celebrity status – especially one where great success results from it, the child will benefit from the fame and fortune for sure, but likely suffer greatly under the unconscious negative belief that she is indeed a pawn and not worth the accolades showered upon her. Control over her thoughts, choices, and behaviors is never fully established and a sense of mistrust for her own instincts and feelings develops. In short, when you get hit by a truck at an early age, you either become the truck, or you stay the victim. Lindsay Lohan became the truck, do not mistake her for the victim. In order to wrest control away from a world perceived as always manipulating her, she takes matters into her own hands. She acts out, gets in trouble, gets in more trouble and so on and so on until the negative attention she is convinced she deserves becomes the only thing she understands, and the cycle continues. Observers may ask “How can someone who has it all throw it all away like that?” The answer is simple; Lindsay does not have it all. Money and fame have come easily to her and were extensions of her parents’ will for her – these were not constructs of her own ambitions and therefore she will sabotage the success she gains as a result because deep down she believes unconsciously that she doesn’t deserve it – she deserves worse. So she gets in fights, drives drunk, shop lifts, does drugs, rebels over and over and over to prove to the world – a world who wants to love her because she’s talented and famous – that she is indeed much less than is perceived, and not worth of that love. It’s her chance to finally be right. It’s her chance to let everyone know how she sees herself. It’s the one thing she believes she has control over. She has all the attention she could ever want, but she needs the world to attend to her true self – the self who destructs, proving to the world that they got her wrong, that she’s not worth all their love. And all of this is going on inside her head and nowhere else. Some call it a self-fulfilling prophecy, that if you believe you don’t deserve love, attention, success, or a sense of purpose in your life, then no matter how much the world tries to hand you that positivity, you will instruct the world in how you truly see yourself, and eventually the world will agree prompting you to then conclude: “See, I knew it, I am a loser and I now have proof!” And who among us doesn’t love to be right about our own vision of the world? This is our control – the one thing we can always control is our view of the world and how we instruct the world to see us. And this is where the paradox is revealed: Lindsay, a beautiful, talented, famous movie star who seemingly has it all is committed to being in trouble because that’s how she chooses to instruct the world to see her. It’s what she believes she’s truly worth. And as responsible, reactive citizens we obey… the media posts her troubles with the law and drugs and we buy into the picture of a spoiled, selfish kid acting irresponsibly. The headlines scream “More trouble for Lohan, how can someone who has so much be in so much trouble?” We’re taking the bait and she’s reeling us in. It’s not logical, and it’s not sensible, but it is how Ms. Lohan wants us to see her. She’s getting the attention she’s always wanted, and it’s in a form she believes deep down, way down in the darkness of her unconscious, she deserves. But it’s not unchangeable, she can change. You can change. I know because I did. True paradigm shifts in self awareness come when we are able to look deep into the dark basement of our minds, flip on the lights, and rummage through the old boxes we taped up all those years ago. You never know, with a thorough search, you could be surprised what you find down there. But the first thing that has to happen is you’ve got to understand that you’ve been living your life, making decisions that a child cooked up decades ago – you’re still operating on that original decision about yourself. This is why we get to a point and say to ourselves, “This isn’t the way my life was supposed to be… THIS ISN’T IT!” Here’s a real headline: This IS it. And until you realize that what you want isn’t always what you’re committed to, whatever it is for you… will stay it. Be your best, Steve

Learning About our Childhood from our Children

Several weeks ago I noticed a marked shift in my behavior and reactions. To bottom line it: I was losing it a lot with my children. As all parents know, children will test your resolve on a daily, sometimes hourly, sometimes minutely (is that a word?) basis. As the child of severely toxic parents, it was imperative in my run-up to parenthood that I learn to do my best to not lose my cool with my kids. That’s not to say I don’t believe in discipline, teaching manners and respect and personal responsibility. I insist on it. But I’ve also had to work very hard at not being the impatient, often intolerant father my father was for me and my siblings. As every parent also knows, there is no preparation for the constant onslaught of demands children make upon you and the frustration a parent in this day and age can feel trying to serve both pupil and master. My youngest, who turns 4 this year, is best described as a blender with the top off. At any given moment she can be screaming her head off, dancing with a huge grin on her face, telling her older sister she’s adopted, or hugging me and my wife and telling us in the sweetest voice possible, “I love you guys...thanks for breakfast.” And we never know what we’re going to get or when. The other night she was in a particularly difficult mood. It was hard to discern what was really bothering her, but she was so frustrated over something that didn’t go her way she threw herself to the ground, began tearing at her clothes, pulling at her hair and smacking her own face. As best I could, I tried to calm her down and get her focused on something else...a book she loved, her blanky, anything! Nothing worked. After about 30 minutes of full-on 110% tantrum, she turned up the volume and began an attack on her sister. First she told her she didn’t love her and that she was mean, then she scratched her face and left deep welts on her cheeks. My oldest daughter is a sanguine, sweet, calm person and simply took the abuse knowing that to do otherwise would cause more upset for all of us. But for me, I had enough. I picked up my little Tasmanian Devil suddenly, carried her upstairs, put her in her room and slammed and locked her door and left her there for the rest of the night without dinner, without a bath or without brushing her teeth. As someone who prides himself on always being his best, I was at that moment certainly not. And it wasn’t because of how I reacted to my daughter; it was the feelings I was feeling along with the reaction. I was resentful, and for the first time in her young life, I simply didn’t want to be around my daughter, nor did I care about her feelings in that moment. That feeling -- or more accurately, that lack of feeling for my baby -- frightened me. I knew something was up and I had to find out what. Resentment has been my Achilles heel since I was a boy. As a sensitive kid who always seemed to be the brunt of abuse, teasing, bullying, or sheer neglect, I regularly battled the pain associated with the incongruity of being a good person and getting negative feedback despite it. I’ve worked very hard in my life to eliminate the triggers that cause the feelings of resentment, but lately, in the last several months, I noticed that resentment was getting the better of me in more places than just my home. I was experiencing it with clients, with my parents, and with my brother as well. Something was up and it was time to take a look under the hood. I took a long walk around my neighborhood one early morning and just allowed whatever thoughts or feelings I had at the time to pass by me. After about two miles on foot, I still hadn’t discovered what it was that was getting to me, so I went home, showered, got dressed and went to my office to work on a new project I was researching -- about family dynamics and the roles each person plays in a dysfunctional family. And that’s when I discovered it. It hit me like a ton of bricks when I found this interesting quote in a write-up about codependency: What the family dynamics research shows is that it is actually the good child -- the family hero role -- who is the most emotionally dishonest and out of touch with him/herself, while the acting-out child (the scapegoat) is the most emotionally honest child in the dysfunctional family. In my family dynamic I was the family hero, the quiet one who stayed out of trouble to spare my mother more pain as she dealt constantly with my squeaky wheel brother. The phrase emotionally dishonest and out of touch with himself shocked me! I needed to figure this out because now I was really confused. After all, I have spent 25 years of my life challenging myself to live an honest life of openness and integrity, and now I’m reading that I’ve been out of touch? To understand why I had such outrage, you need to know more about my family. My brother, who is now a successful sober business man living in Westport, CT with his wife and two children, had rough beginnings. His severe dyslexia and hyperactivity disorder steered him into an early life of acting out and dropping out which led to drug use, alcoholism, and other destructive and narcissistic behaviors. I was regularly the brunt of his alcohol-fueled rages often being roused out of my bed late at night because he came home drunk (at 15) and wanted to sleep there, sometimes teased, sometimes physically abused, often humiliated by my brother’s incessant pranks and careless insults. As the youngest in a family torn apart by alcoholism, abuse (both mental and physical) and a broken family dynamic which can best be described as "Every Man For Himself", I looked to my brother to be my strength in the chaos of those early days, but he was so wrapped up in his own pain he never saw the damage he was doing to himself, my mother or me. Being the quiet, introverted one meant not being a problem for my mom, I kept my feelings, aspirations, pain, and self esteem locked up and learned to cope by living in a world where fantasies and unrealistic expectations gave me hope of an escape. The biggest example of how I simply wasn’t living in the world everyone else was showed itself when I auditioned for the school play Carnival. There were two parts that I was up for. One was Paul, the brooding misunderstood puppeteer with a limp and low self esteem, and the other was Marco The Magnificent, a dynamic, womanizing magician who steals the girl from Paul, breaks hearts while he wields a sword and a cape and an “F-you” grin. Obviously I wanted to play Paul, the depressed puppeteer, but the director insisted that I audition for Marco as well. I told the director –- in fact, I insisted –- that I play Paul, but despite my connection with the character, the director cast me as Marco and I was baffled. Throughout rehearsals I hemmed and hawed and played the character as small as possible until opening night I was so upset about playing this character –- a person I couldn’t possibly connect with – I wound up in the bathroom throwing up an hour before curtain. The director pulled me aside and told me, “I’ve been waiting for Marco to find you, and I’m concerned that he won’t make it tonight.” I was surprised. “Don’t you mean me finding Marco?” I asked. “No, Marco knows who he is but you don’t,” he said, “Do you know why I cast you as Marco?” “Because I wanted Paul?” I said sarcastically. “No,” he answered, “Because you ARE Marco! You don’t even know it.” This was the answer I wasn’t expecting to hear. He went on: “One day you’re going to see that Paul chooses to be sad, he’s a victim of his circumstances. But Marco – who may have a similar or even worst past – chooses to believe in his own power. He doesn’t listen to his past, he creates his NOW and he does it powerfully.” I had never been spoken to in that way by anyone. Up until that point in my life I believed that the best way for me to get along in the world was to keep my head down, stay out of everyone's way, and suffer in silence a lost life that would never amount to more than an apology for being in the way. In that moment, I didn't just hear the director's words, I felt them. For the first time in my life I realized that I had a choice to do, be, and feel something different than I thought I should - that I could be better than I thought I was allowed to be. It was an awakening for me - one of the first kick's in the ass in my life that would lead to more and more discovery of who I was meant to be. The experience with playing Marco was one of the several kickstarts to my empowerment journey that I have been on for over two decades. And despite my never-ending search for the Marco in me, I find that now and then I can still be blindsided by frustration over things that I don’t even understand -– like my resentment over my daughter’s behavior. But it was the article I read that opened my eyes to a deeper understanding of myself. I realized that the good boy I was trying to be as a kid seemed to only receive pain and disappointment, and that my brother’s behavior was given attention and eventually help despite the pain he caused those who got in his path. Watching my younger daughter scream, throw a tantrum and scratch my other daughter’s face triggered the resentment I have carried from my own experiences. Watching my two kids interact, I saw my brother acting out and hurting me all over again right in front of my face 30 years later, and out of pure rage I punished my squeaky wheel child when all she needed was understanding, while at the same time ignoring my quieter, gentle child when all she needed was a kiss to make it better. I understand so clearly now the difficulty my mother endured trying to raise the two of us, how hard it is to split favor between two very different kids with very different needs, how simply reacting to behavior instead of understanding it and working with it can inflame the situation, and how past experiences often cause us to ‘fix’ presenting problems in the now, despite the fact that the now may not need fixing at all. Parents teach us so much about the world, but the first lesson always comes from the instinctual reaction we give to our kids to make a bad situation better. Some of us are quiet or reserved, some of us yell, some know just the right balance. But in all cases our kids are watching to see how they fit into the mix. For me, as the family hero, I believed that my pain and disassociation with reality was real and that a fix for it was to hide my greatness. Much like the puppeteer Paul, I did a disappearing act into fantasy land to survive the real world just outside. And despite 25 years of work on myself, in some ways I feel like I’m just now emerging from the fog of that original dysfunction. Not by my own design necessarily, but out of circumstances over which I have no control; mishaps which force me to open old wounds to make sure there’s no lingering infection, like watching my kids as if I were watching a film of my own life 30 years earlier. I’m also learning this year that I don’t always have to like my life to love it, and understanding that allows me to be a human being, to make mistakes, and to forgive myself for the lessons I still have to learn. Luckily for me, to my children I am Marco The Magnificent. And I intend to earn that title every day by bringing a little magic to both of them.

Making The Perfect Man - A Compass for Men in the 21st Century

Part One: Hero Worship, The Magic of Self Realization. Several weeks ago I noticed a marked shift if my behavior and reactions, to bottom line it I was losing it a lot with my children. As all parents know, children will test your resolve on a daily, sometimes hourly, sometimes minutely (is that a word?) basis. As the child of severely toxic parents it was imperative in my run up to parenthood that I learn to do my best to not lose my cool with my kids. That’s not to say I don’t believe in discipline, teaching manners and respect and personal responsibility, I insist on it, but I’ve also had to work very hard at not being the impatient, often intolerant father my father was for me and my siblings. But as every parent also knows there is no preparation for the constant onslaught of demands children make upon you and the frustration a parent in this day and age can feel trying to serve both pupil and master.

My youngest, who turns 4 this year, is best described as a blender with the top off – at any given moment she can be screaming her head off, dancing with a huge grin on her face, telling her older sister she’s adopted, or hugging me and my wife and telling us in the sweetest voice possible “I love you guys, thanks for breakfast.” And we never know what we’re going to get or when. The other night she was in a particularly difficult mood – it was hard to discern what was really bothering her, but she was so frustrated over something that didn’t go her way she threw herself to the ground, began tearing at her clothes, pulling at her hair and smacking her own face. Needless to say I was worried about her. As best I could I tried to calm her down and get her focused on something else… a book she loved, her blanky, anything! Nothing worked. After about 30 minutes of full on 110% tantrum, she turned up the volume and began an attack on her sister. First she told her she didn’t love her and that she was mean, then she scratched her face and left deep welts on her cheeks. My oldest daughter is a sanguine, sweet, calm person simply took the abuse knowing that to do otherwise would cause more upset for all of us. But for me, I had enough. I picked up my little Tasmanian Devil suddenly, carried her upstairs, put her in her room and slammed and locked her door and left her there for the rest of the night without dinner, without a bath or without brushing her teeth. Now any parent reading this may agree that the frustration we feel in trying to deal with the terrible 3’s is often too much, but for me – one who prides myself on always being my best – I was at that moment certainly not. And it wasn’t because of how I reacted to my daughter, it was the feelings I was feeling along with the reaction. I was resentful, and for the first time in her young life I simply didn’t want to be around my daughter, nor did I care about her feelings in that moment. That feeling – or more accurately that lack of feeling for my baby frightened me. I knew something was up and I had to find out what. Resentment has been my Achilles heel since I was a boy. As a sensitive kid who always seemed to be the brunt of abuse, teasing, bullying, or sheer neglect, I regularly battled the pain associated with the incongruity of being a good person and getting negative feedback despite it. I’ve worked very hard in my life to eliminate the triggers that cause the feelings of resentment, but lately, in the last several months, I noticed that resentment was getting the better of me in more places than just my home. I was experiencing it with clients, with my parents, and with my brother as well. Something was up and it was time to take a look under the hood. I took a long walk around my neighborhood one early morning and just allowed whatever thoughts or feelings I had at the time to pass by me. After about 2 miles on foot, I still hadn’t discovered what it was that was getting to me, so I went home, showered, got dressed and went to my office to work on a new project I was researching, about family dynamics and the roles each person plays in a dysfunctional family. And that’s when I discovered it. It hit me like a ton of bricks when I found this interesting quote in a write up about codependency: What the family dynamics research shows is that it is actually the good child - the family hero role -who is the most emotionally dishonest and out of touch with him/herself, while the acting-out child - the scapegoat - is the most emotionally honest child in the dysfunctional family. In my family dynamic I was the family hero – the quiet one who stayed out of trouble to spare my mother more pain as she dealt constantly with my squeaky wheel brother. The phrase emotionally dishonest and out of touch with himself shocked me! I needed to figure this out because now I was really confused. After all, I have spent 25 years of my life challenging myself to live an honest life of openness and integrity, and now I’m reading that I’ve been out of touch? To understand why I had such outrage, you need to know more about my family. My brother, who is now a successful sober business man living in Westport, CT with his wife and two children, had rough beginnings; his severe dyslexia and hyperactivity disorder steered him into an early life of acting out and dropping out which led to drug use, alcoholism, and other destructive and narcissistic behaviors. I was regularly the brunt of his alcohol-fueled rages often being roused out of my bed late at night because he came home drunk (at 15) and wanted to sleep there, sometimes teased, sometimes physically abused, often humiliated by my brother’s incessant pranks and careless insults. As the youngest in a family torn apart by alcoholism, abuse (both mental and physical) and a broken family dynamic which can best be described as "Every Man For Himself", I looked to my brother to be my strength in the chaos of those early days, but he was so wrapped up in his own pain he never saw the damage he was doing to himself, my mother or me. Being the quiet, introverted one meant not being a problem for my mom, I kept my feelings, aspirations, pain, and self esteem locked up and learned to cope by living in a world where fantasies and unrealistic expectations gave me hope of an escape. The biggest example of how I simply wasn’t living in the world everyone else was, showed itself when I auditioned for the school play Carnival. There were two parts that I was up for; one was Paul, the brooding misunderstood puppeteer with a limp and low self esteem, and the other was Marco The Magnificent, a dynamic, womanizing magician who steals the girl from Paul, breaks hearts while he wields a sword and a cape and an “F-you” grin. Obviously I wanted to play Paul, the depressed puppeteer, but the director insisted that I audition for Marco as well. I told the director – in fact I insisted – that I play Paul, but despite my connection with the character, the director cast me as Marco and I was baffled. Throughout rehearsals I hemmed and hawed and played the character as small as possible until opening night I was so upset about playing this character – a person I couldn’t possibly connect with – I wound up in the bathroom throwing up an hour before curtain. The director pulled me aside and told me “I’ve been waiting for Marco to find you, and I’m concerned that he won’t make it tonight.” I was surprised. “Don’t you mean me finding Marco?” I asked. “No, Marco knows who he is but you don’t,” he said, “Do you know why I cast you as Marco?” “Because I wanted Paul?” I said sarcastically. “No,” he answered, “Because you ARE Marco! You don’t even know it.” This was the answer I wasn’t expecting to hear. He went on: “One day you’re going to see that Paul chooses to be sad, he’s a victim of his circumstances. But Marco – who may have a similar or even worst past – chooses to believe in his own power. He doesn’t listen to his past, he creates his NOW and he does it powerfully.” I had never been spoken to in that way by anyone - up until that point in my life I believed that the best way for me to get along in the world was to keep my head down, stay out of everyone's way, and suffer in silence a lost life that would never amount to more than an apology for being in the way. In that moment, I didn't just hear the director's words, I felt them. For the first time in my life I realized that I had a choice to do, be, and feel something different than I thought I should - that I could be better than I thought I was allowed to be. It was an awakening for me - one of the first kick's in the ass in my life that would lead to more and more discovery of who I was meant to be. That night I went on stage and decided to believe that I could not only play Marco, but be him. I embodied the character and like the director said, he found me. On stage I was another person - not one that I created or acted like, but actually a person that I felt I could be myself.... a person that I was all along, but was simply not convinced has a right to be there. It was an incredible night, and a fantastic performance. Afterwards one of the girls in my class that I had a crush on came up to me and congratulated me on a great job. I was so in the moment of being Marco that I asked her to the Senior prom and she said "Yes"! The experience with playing Marco was one of the progenitors to my empowerment journey that I have been on for over two decades, and despite my never ending search for the Marco in me, I find that now and then I can still be blindsided by frustration over things that I don’t even understand – like my resentment over my daughter’s behavior. But it was the article I read that opened my eyes to a deeper understanding of myself. I realized that the good boy I was trying to be as a kid seemed to only receive pain and disappointment, and that my brother’s behavior was given attention and eventually help despite the pain he caused those who got in his path. Watching my younger daughter scream, throw a tantrum and scratch my other daughter’s face triggered the resentment I have carried from my own experiences. Watching my two kids interact, I saw my brother acting out and hurting me all over again right in front of my face 30 years later, and out of pure rage I punished my squeaky wheel child when all she needed was understanding, while ignoring my sanguine child when all she needed was a kiss to make it better. I understand so clearly now the difficulty my mother endured trying to raise the two of us, how hard it is to split favor between two very different kids with very different needs, how simply reacting to behavior instead of understanding it and working with it can inflame the situation, and how past experiences often cause us to ‘fix’ presenting problems in the now, despite the fact that the now may not need fixing at all. Parents teach us so much about the world, but the first lesson always comes from the instinctual reaction we give to our kids to make a bad situation better. Some of us are quiet or reserved, some of us yell, some know just the right balance. But in all cases our kids are watching to see how they fit into the mix. For me, as the family hero, I believed that my pain and disassociation with reality was real and that a fix for it was to hide my greatness. Much like Paul the Puppeteer, I did a disappearing act into fantasy land to survive the real world just outside.

And despite 25 years of work on myself, in some ways I feel like I’m just now emerging from the fog of that original dysfunction... Not by my own design necessarily, but out of circumstances over which I have no control; mishaps which force me to open old wounds to make sure there’s no lingering infection. I’m also learning this year that I don’t always have to like my life to love it, and understanding that allows me to be a human being, to make mistakes, and to forgive myself for the lessons I still have to learn. Luckily for me, to my children I am Marco The Magnificent. And I intend to earn that title every day by bringing a little magic to both of them. Be Your Best! Steve

This Isn't it.

How many times have you said this: “If I only had ___________________ then I’d be happy” ? You could fill that blank in with just about anything and it would have meaning to you. A lot I imagine. We all believe that changing that one thing that’s getting in our way will bring about a happier life if only we could change it. But the fixation on happiness – the belief that is we simply eliminate the one negative thing in our life that is holding us back – is a phenomenon best described in the sentence we all have uttered at one time or another: “This Isn’t It.” Years ago when I was first starting out as a coach, I worked with a guy (we’ll call him Gus) who believed that just about everyone in the office where he worked was talking about him behind his back. He never engaged with his coworkers, never spoke to the them directly, and never verified if indeed he was the subject of this gossip. Gus had a high level position and as a result of his beliefs about being talked about used his influence to transfer one of his top talents thinking she was the source of the ‘back-stabbing.’ The woman he transferred was one of the best at her field and the company soon suffered as a result of the loss. Productivity decreased, malevolence swelled, and Gus – who took on her position as leader of that division – was eventually fired for his poor decision making. By the time he came to me, he was lost in regret and confusion over what had happened. Whether its Gus removing his most valuable player, or you or me cutting off our noses to spite our faces - fixating on the goal of security will naturally summon its opposite – insecurity. By questing for joy, you are forced to acknowledge that which is keeping you from that joy, that which you believe is the source of your unhappiness, thus giving it power, thus making it wrong. And when you make something wrong you never learn what that thing may be teaching you and you stay stuck. This is why millions of us ask each day “Why am I unhappy?” Despite your best laid plans to eliminate doubt, fear, competition, insecurity, those elements will still haunt you if you don’t take a look at why you have them in the first place. Why have some people achieved great things and you haven’t? Why do some people seem to have it all, and you still struggle with finding happiness? There's only one difference between you and someone just like you who may have more success in the same area where you struggle: The successful person believes from their core that they have a right to achieve their goals no matter what – this is what gives them that competitive edge, that passion, and ultimately that success. Try this exercise and see what you come up with: I want you think of someone that is successful. It can be anyone who has what you want right now. Now answer these questions: Does this person they have a firm grasp of his/her own abilities? Does she/he ignore the fear of what others think? Do she/he always seem to know in their heart that they belong where they are? If you answered “Yes” to those questions, then you’re thinking of someone who has the edge in knowing themselves and their abilities, including the ability to harness the confidence it takes to follow through on going for their goals. Now… ask the same questions about yourself. Do you respond “Yes” to each question? If not, why? What will it take to get you there? With the above in mind, write down a sentence about yourself based on how you feel, filling in the blanks below. Be as honest with yourself as possible, and don’t think about what you’re writing, or how you can respond perfectly, just simply write what you feel based on your current situation. If I only had ______________________________________________ Then I’d do _______________________________________________ And finally be _____________________________________________ Now, take the word “Be in the last sentence and match it with the word you wrote down and live your life that way. If you wrote “Happy” be happy first. If you wrote “Wealthy” be wealthy first. The only thing standing in your way is the fact that you put your haves before who you’re being. You think if you’re going to be happy you have to have something outside of you change. It will never work that way, because chances are that thing outside of you is never going to change and if youre waiting for your happiness to be dictated by an external even over which you have no control, you’re going to be waiting a long time. Being love first will attract love in your life. Being happiness will allow others to be attracted by your joy. Being forgiveness will clear the slate for the right relationship to find its way to you. The bottle doesn’t make you a drunk, the tall brunette doesn’t make you ugly, and your friend’s success doesn’t make you a loser. If you’re waiting for something in your life to change just so you can be happy or successful, start with yourself – what can you change? If you’re blaming someone else for your lack of success or misery, forgive yourself for playing into the debilitating fear that has robbed you of your ambition. Consider this quote: “All my life I was knocking on the door, until it opened and I realized I was inside the whole time.” Be your best, Steve

TRUST Who do you trust? It’s a pretty good question – especially these days when we are so savvy we know when we’re being sold a bill of goods by a someone that acts like it’s all about us when it’s really about them! Except for car salesmen... I really do believe they have my best interest at heart! But whether you’re buying a new Chevy or investing in a new relationship trust can be a difficult thing to give away. Once burned twice shy goes the proverb and it stands to reason that based on past negative experiences (and we all have them) you’d be hesitant to jump blindly into a new situation without cautiously vetting it first. Recently I was able to coach a couple to a significant breakthrough in their relationship; For the past 20 years Barry had been the codependent husband, struggling daily with his wife Arlene’s alcohol addiction. His natural tendencies to want to fix Arlene, to save her, kept Barry in the relationship year after year as his sense of self worth was validated through his good deeds and unimaginable patience. But after two decades of despair, putting her to bed at 7pm after she passed out, cleaning up after her when got sick from the alcohol, making excuses to friends, co workers, family, Barry finally put his foot down and threatened to leave Arlene if she didn’t get her act together. That’s when I met them. In a rare case of double coaching, I decided to take them both on as clients at the same time. I worked with them separately at first. Getting Arlene off alcohol and repairing the root causes of her misery wasn’t easy, she had not only the 20 years of drinking but a life time of self esteem issues and negative limiting beliefs that we needed to resolve. Through hypnosis and the amazing Timeline Therapy™, I took Arlene back to the root cause of her pain – her father abandoning her and her family when she was just six years old – and created a reframe of the situation where she could see her father as the weak, irresponsible person he was, and see herself not as someone who deserved to be left behind, but an innocent bystander in a hit and run marriage. With Barry I focused on getting him to see that his pattern was that of a savior – stepping in to solve the problem that Arlene couldn’t on her own. His own struggles to take over for his father when he passed away at a young age forced Barry to be father and husband and provider. He stuffed his own needs way down and protected his mother from poverty and pain, doing what he felt he needed to do: save her. When Arlene and Barry met, they both had come out of failed first marriages and were desperately looking for a partner that would understand each other’s pain and make it better. Barry, believing he was helping Arlene, watching over her like he did with his mother. But Arlene, not believing she was worth the love and support she got, descended deeper into her alcoholism and their dysfunctional relationship limped along. But once they came to see me something happened that they weren’t prepared for; Arlene, clear that she had only two choices - sobriety or death - got sober and stayed sober and began to build her life as an independent, strong person who understood her own worth in the world, and Barry didn’t know what to do with himself. As a savior and caretaker he was no longer needed, and he found himself clinging to the fear (or perhaps the unconscious hope) that Arlene might relapse. Barry’s mistrust of Arlene’s commitment to sobriety was keeping his former self in play and it was causing a rift in their relationship. He used his mistrust of her sobriety as a mask for the fear that he was no longer useful – and ultimately no longer needed. Or loved. After working with me, Barry realized that not trusting Arlene would only drive them further apart and in order to create a new relationship with his ‘new’ wife he needed to be reborn as well. And that required trust... trust not only in Arlene, but in himself, that he could rely on himself to be simply Arlene’s husband not her father or savior. Trust that who he was was good enough, he didn’t need heroics or 11th hour miracles performed to show his value. He agreed that he would let go of his old paradigm and take on a new one: Trust. Barry and I came up with a plan to show Arlene his new commitment. He bought her a very simple, very special engagement ring and on one knee asked Arlene to marry him. Again. He told her that the ring was a a symbol of his trust and he was giving it to her for her to keep to remind her of his resolve. After 20 years of marriage, Barry and Arlene were brand new people eager to discover themselves and each other for the first time. Earnest Hemmingway wrote "The best to find out if you can trust someone is to trust them" and he’s right, trust is not something that someone has to earn, it’s a gift you give knowing you may get hurt, but you give it anyway because you understand that life is risk and you are responsible for your choices. Here’s some things you can do right now to create trust in your life: 1. Give up the story. Whatever ‘story’ you’re telling about yourself or someone else that keeps you at a distance is likely a story that isn’t true – and certainly not serving you. See if you can create a new story based on the best of you and the other person, not the worst. “Look for the gold in the other person” my coach used to tell me. It works if you try. 2. Practice trust. Start in small doses, small moves. Pick a situation that requires you to trust something or someone and simply open your arms, close your eyes and your mouth and allow things to unfold. These small, bold moves will get you in the habit of trusting not only bigger things in life, but your own ability to instinctively choose powerfully. 3. Have faith. When choosing trust over mistrust, you never know for certain if you’re making the right call. Life can be a gamble, but when you take that leap of faith toward a goal you know is right for you, you will find out who you really are and what you’re willing to do to achieve it. When Barry took his leap of faith, he fell right into the arms of someone who caught him - Arlene. Understanding that trust is a puppet without strings, a gift without a receipt, an “I love you” without the need for the return will change the way you live and love your life. Because living life is not always about playing it safe, sometimes a leap of faith is required, sometimes an act of blind trust is necessary to move forward – something we’re all here to do. So take that risk and trust someone – give it away and know that with good intentions and having your heart in the right place all will work out the way its supposed to. Trust me! Be your best, -Steve

A Small, Cold War

Recently released statistics from Colorado show a spike in gun sales since the Aurora shootings last week.  People who didn't have guns, felt they needed them and those who had enough guns felt they needed more. Why?   Form the gun buyer's perspective it would seem that arming oneself is the surest way to stay safe  in a world where a masked, lone gunman can shoot up an unsuspecting crowd in a movie theater.  That assessment seems logical, and just.  But it is dead wrong. Several years ago a friend of mine - a police officer - told me that it was imperative that I have an emergency kit in my garage, and that I should stock this kit with first aid, water, rations for three weeks, a knife, a gas valve tool, a bucket and toilet seat, a roll of quarters and cash, flash lights, foul weather gear, and... most importantly... a gun.  He told me, as the trained professional that he was, he never wanted to be caught with his pants down should any disaster - natural or man made - befall him.  He wanted to be ready for anything.  And he was!  His disaster kit fit inside a ski carrier and it was truly impressive. Inspired by my friend's example I began to assemble my own disaster survival kit.  It became quite fun as I shopped for various items I could include.  I planned and worked for weeks on the  kit, assembling it with such care and precaution.  I left nothing out... except the gun.  That I refused to add.   When I was done, after weeks of planning and assembling, a feeling came over me that I didn't expect - one that truly frightened me - but was as real as any other I had ever felt:  I began to hope for a disaster so I could put my emergency kit to the test.   As I wrestled with these very real and very frightening thoughts, I began to imagine how the weekend warriors and militia brigades feel when they stockpile weapons and hold training exercises in the woods, preparing to defend themselves against enemies foreign and domestic.  I understood the instant paranoia preparing for the unexpected can bring and I suddenly understood how getting wrapped up in "defending yourself" can easily lead to being the aggressor. History has shown that amongst nations, mutual destruction scenarios have been enough to stem the obliteration of all mankind - e.g. the U.S. and the Soviet Union stockpiling so many nuclear weapons that each side realized setting them off would mean the demise of their own empire - a scenario where neither side could win. But the stockpiling of guns by ordinary citizens of this country is not the same thing.  Proponents of the second amendment will tell you that it is their constitutional right to bear arms.  Their #1 reason: To defend against any government who seeks to take away their freedoms.  Their #2 reason: To defend against intruders or those who may do them harm.  And so the second amendment exists so that those who feel the paranoia of others coming after them can defend themselves at all costs.   But what about the perpetrators.  They have rights too, don't they?  Mass murderers like the shooters at Virginia Tech, Columbine, Fort Hood, and of course Aurora have the right to bear arms.  But their reasons are for inflicting undue harm to innocent life without provocation.  Do we forgive these heinous acts in the name of the second amendment, or do we decry them in the name off the first amendment - the right to stay alive?   Its been famously said that guns don't kill people, people kill people.  That is certainly true.  But what is the alcoholic without the alcohol?  What is the boxer without the ring?  What is the crazed, lone misfit without the gun?   When the gunman in Aurora pulled the trigger, taking 12 lives - one of them a child, three of them men throwing their bodies over their women to shield them - He did so with weapons he bought easily and ammunition he stockpiled without raising any red flags or arousing suspicion.  Because it was his constitutional right to do so, this crazed gunman - protected by the second amendment and lax gun laws, took the lives of people who would never and could never abuse that same privilege or harm others just because they could. Bein given the right to carry a gun doesn't mean you should.  And those who hold onto their guns will fight for their right to keep them, even going so far as to use that gun against anyone who tries to take it away.   And that's the point, isn't it... "I have this gun so you won't take it from me." I still have my disaster kit, but I no longer secretly wish to try it out - it's there in case I need it, but I don't want to need it, and in fact I never think about it.  Guns are not, and should not be thought of as a deterrent.  Like thoughts, actions, words, and emotions, guns are what we make of them.  But if we never had guns in the first place, we might actually have to solve our issues like the civilized people we claim to be.   We might have to actually talk to one another. Be your best... Steve    

So TomKat are no more, and apparently, Katie Holmes pulled several fast ones on the all-seeing, all-knowing, all-levitating Tom Cruise in what appears to be a desperate coup to escape the clutches of his Scientology-fueled grip on her. And now that she's free, we can welcome her back to society with open arms and warm understanding. But wasn't it her biggest wish as a young lady to be married to Tom Cruise? Didn't she fantasize as an adolescent to be whisked off by the movie star and swept up in the life and love of one of the world's biggest celebrities? What happened? How could a dream come true become such a nightmare? It happens all the time - it's probably happened to you; you wished for something and when you got it, it turned out to be the very thing you didn't need. Lottery winners experience this all the time, it's what economists Andrew J. Oswald and Rainer Winkelmann call "Winner's Remorse," when you achieve an overwhelming goal that is beyond your ability to manage it. People fall in love all the time, and they fall out of love all the time too. But focusing on a goal for the goal's sake is usually a recipe for disaster, because falling in love with an idea or an image will undoubtedly lead to disappointment or worse. Here are a few tips to help you stay on track with your goals and make sure you always get exactly what you want with no surprises. 1. Do your homework Falling in love with the idea of something and not fully understanding what it is that you love can be a mistake. I always wanted a '67 Mustang and when I finally got one, it leaked oil, rattled, was too slow, and guzzled gas. It was more trouble than it was worth and I got rid of it pronto. Tom Cruise is not a '67 Mustang, but once Katie got behind the wheel, she certainly wasn't into his Cruise Control option. 2. Be open to change People and things aren't perfect. If you're willing to accept the flaws of another person, and allow them and yourself to be open to tweaking yourselves a little bit to serve the relationship, you will find you're a happier person because of it. Relationships are a dance, if you can stay committed to being your best throughout the relationship, then you can handle anything that comes your way. 3. Choose powerfully True love is loving someone for who they are and who they are not. But if you find that in the process of growing you have grown apart from the person or situation and it no longer serves you, then you can just as powerfully choose to no longer be associated. Ending a relationship is not a failure, it's a successful step in choosing your life powerfully, and not putting aside your needs for your wants. Sometimes the very things you need are the things that are already in your life, and choosing what you have powerfully now can keep you from thinking that the frog you desperately need is the handsome prince you’ve always dreamed of. Be your best! Steve

Hope... revisited

Recently I came face to face with the realization that all I hope for isn't always all that I receive. It occurred to me that in my ever long pursuit of happiness, I set up the parameters in which the happiness needed to exist. If I met those goals, I was happy. Simple enough.

But more often I did not see my precise hopes realized the way I envisioned, and unhappiness, frustration, even resentment followed. This very human response is what the Buddha described when he opined "All unhappiness stems from unfavorable comparison." In short, the grass is always greener on the other side of the street.

As I often do after a pitfall, I began to deconstruct my thinking around my frustration - how did I get to this point? why? what factors contributed to my disappointment and resentment? As I've written about in previous passages, blaming outside situations for my frustration is easy, but it's not the whole story - I needed to see how my own reactions to life caused my unhappiness.

And then one day I realized... it's not the reaction that causes my pitfall, it's the hope. In other words it's not the 'unfavorable comparison' that was getting me down, it was the hope that if I tried harder this time, the situation that frustrated me might change.

But as Wayne Dyer says, "When you change the way you look at something, that something will change."

I've seen this happen with my own family members. I tried for years to get them to see what I saw - take on what I had taken on - think the way I thought. They wouldn't. The hope that someday they might discover the truths that I had (the truths that set me free) kept me trying so hard to get them to change. And when they didn't, I found myself frustrated, hurt and lost. Again.

What I decided to do was change the way I hoped for an outcome. I had trained myself to visualize the exact thing I was looking for, focus on it, and therefore manifest it. Now I created a new paradigm of manifestation where being committed to happiness, rather than seeking it specifically or in certain situations or from certain people, was the goal.

Happiness as a journey companion - not a destination, squeezed by constraints, timelines, or 'must haves.' It changed my life and more importantly, my relationships.

Here are 3 ways you can revisit hope and discover that happiness lives throughout your life, not only around the corner or someday:

1. Choose the bad. Life is a roller coaster, you've got your ups and downs, and you never stay too long in either. If you choose the down times as powerfully as you choose the ups, you'll come to accept your WHOLE life, and not just the good times (which make up only a percentage of your whole time here on Earth.)

2. Choose the good. When you do have a windfall, fall in love, get a job or a raise, or just plain have a great day, choose that moment powerfully with the knowledge that the feeling is wonderful but fleeting. Live in the moment, revel in it, and put it in your emotional bank for the down times - you'll need to remind yourself of those good times when the tough times come around.

3. Trade hope for 'being with what is so.' This can be a tough thing to do. But I want you to pick one situation in your life that despite your best efforts will not change - a situation which has caused you frustration, resentment, or pain. Now... let it go. Stop trying to change it. Stop hoping that it will change. Most likely after all this time, it won't. Then get yourself a huge ice cream and celebrate your freedom from the shackles of your attachment - and the commitment you resolve to take on as you work on you, and you alone.

After banging my head against the wall with my dear family member, trying to make her see what I see, I realized that she doesn't want to, or simply cannot, see what I want her to see. She isn't me and I am not her, and no matter how hard I try, this will not change. But what can change - and indeed has changed - is my hope that it will. I have released myself from my own prison and am free to love her as she is, and myself for who I am as well. I'm grateful for this lesson, and hope (yes I said HOPE!) it inspires you as well.

Be your best,

Steve

Ready, set...

Imagine you are an Olympic-class runner, on your mark, set at the starting line. At the end of the sprint, something you’ve waited for your whole life: The gold metal. What is the first and only thing that has to happen – out of your control – for you to achieve that goal?

The starting gun needs to be fired.

And so there you stay, at the starting line, crouched and ready, wanting so desperately to cross the line first and bring home the gold.

But the gun never goes off. Why?

It’s no secret that most of us in this culture want so desperately the things that seem out of reach, down the road, on the other side of the fence or a few months away… “Over there.” Our focus for happiness seems to be narrowing on the things we don’t have as if the magic pill to take which will give us happiness is just a heartbeat away, if only we had …(fill in the blank).

But what seems to occur in your quest for what's on the other side of the fence is that “over there” is either never within our reach, or if it is, it ceases to be important or integral to your happiness once you get there.

If you focus solely on the endgame, the finish line, the prize, you often can become blind to the initial reason you were so desperate to get there in the first place.

Success will never be just around the corner, over the next hill, tomorrow, next week. Success is not a destination to get to, but a place from which to embark. Come from your success - the knowledge that your gifts will serve you if you serve them back by trusting them - and you will always be successful!

Be your best,

-Steve

LEAP YEAR – 5 Powerful ways to get back on track!

The last few years have been extraordinarily difficult to manage what with the struggling economy, lame housing market, job losses, and dwindling hope that the American Dream will ever come back. Experts call it Recession Fatigue, that numb exhaustion derived from the gloom that has lingered over the economic recovery.

You’ve done your best through these difficult times to keep up a positive attitude, not hurt others’ feelings, watch your diet, your thoughts, your speech, your etiquette, your spending… You’ve worked so hard to be so good despite the fact that life hasn’t always been that good back to you.

There is some good news, things are turning around, and there’s even a little bonus this year to help you get into the spirit of the new you: This year there’s an extra day in the month of February – it’s called “Leap Year” and man, do you need this! It’s time to stop worrying about being good, and focus on being great!

But after such a long time of holding back, being conservative with time, money, and even emotions, you might have lost that pre-recession spark that kept you confident, large and in charge. Don’t worry, these five tips will get you right back to your old self – the self you may have forgotten about.

1. Remember Your History. They say those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it, but in your case, remembering yourself in your former glory is exactly the right way to get you back on your feet. Get out old photos, journals, or zoom back in time on your timeline in Facebook and get back in touch with the crazy you that took risks and believed in miracles.
2. Leap before you look. Despite what anyone tells you, taking risks is still the best way to make your mark and advance yourself to the next level. Yes, you’ve had to play it safe through these dark times, but you didn’t have to stop living your life! Call the person you have a crush on, ask for more time off if you need it, share intimate feelings with those you trust. No recession can rob you of the person you are, so surprise yourself by doing or saying something really powerful before you talk yourself out of it!
3. Trust. Yes I know, “Once burned twice shy,” I got it. It’s easy to withhold trust from someone or something, especially after a difficult experience. But trust is not something to be earned, it’s a gift that you give knowing that you still may be disappointed. If you know all possible outcomes, you should never be surprised.
4. Display Your Trophies. It’s easy to forget the positive things in our lives if we allow them to be overshadowed by the negative ones. In my house we have an accomplishment wall. On it are framed diplomas, certificates of achievement, soccer trophies, running medals, and first grade drawings. Everyone in the family posts something they are proud of – reminders that anything is possible with determination and persistence.
5. Be Your Best. Yes, you still have to be good, because you know its who you are –the best of you comes out when you are there for someone else, either by assisting someone in need, or by living as an example of someone who knows that true strength is knowing when to ask for help. And remember… being your best means treating yourself with the same compassion and acceptance you would give a friend.

It’s been said that when you’re at the bottom, there’s no way to go but up. So don’t slowly pull yourself out of where you’ve been, LEAP UP and make this new year and your new life the absolute best it can be. Imagine where you’ll be four years from now!

-Steve

Success? There's an App for that.

As I get older, I am continually impressed by the younger generation, despite the tendency we older folks have to poo poo the entitled, spoiled, 'Y generation' for being lazy, even aimless. Recently I met a 22-year-old golfer, Matt, who hopes to go pro in the next year or two. His focus and confidence were impressive.

Matt is one of many young up-and-comers who I've encountered who genuinely impress me. (I shamelessly also must include my 3 nieces who speak three languages and are at the tops of their respective classes). And I’m impressed mainly because kids today seem stapled to their iPhones and iPads, often not even taking the time to look up, engage, or connect in person. How will they ever make it in this world if they can’t connect?

But indeed, 'being connected' is something this young generation does very well. With access to information, opinion, expression, and history, Matt, my nieces, and their peers are experiencing the world in a way I never could have at their age. The internet - while capable of being many things - is a teacher and a life line.

Many have criticized the younger generation for expecting things immediately - the instant gratification that an on-demand world creates. But with that 'want it now' attitude also comes an expectation to learn from experience and grow from others' wisdom that previous generations didn't have immediate access to. In short, they're smarter faster, and smart enough to take advantage of it.

Here are three things I’ve learned from young people that I will never forget:

1. The world is not going to hell in a hand basket. When I was a young man, blasting “The Who” and bad-mouthing my civics teacher, I garnered some of that criticism from my elders who held their ears and their stomachs at the thought of the new generation destroying everything they built. I actually heard myself say the other day, these kids today have so much, they take so much for granted. I checked the mirror to see if I had become my father!

2. Despite their constant electronic distractions, kids today really care. Kids like Erika and Matt pay attention to what’s going on in politics, education, the environment. They have a fire in their belly for making the future a brighter place for themselves – a fire we older folks may have seen extinguish within ourselves. I for one an inspired by the wherewithal young Americans posses in matters that truly concern their future, not just their present.

3. Technology is our friend. My 3-year-old daughter navigates an iTouch like a nerves-of-steel surgeon, and the games she plays are all learning games – games that will prepare her for the speedy world ahead. My 6-year-old daughter uses an iPad in her class room. She along with her friends are part of an experimental group of kids who will be testing out the usefulness of the tablet as a teaching tool. I can only sit back in awe as I know one day I will be fumbling over the next piece of technology to make my life easier as my child pushes me aside to help me figure it out.

The current economy may not provide hope for kids coming out of college these days, but it is the kids themselves who provide hope that the future will be in good hands because those who are the future demand it. Now.

Be your best,

Steve