Spring Cleaning in December - Dissolve your resolve!

Each year I make a New Year’s resolution to be my best at all times and in every situation, and each year that resolution is tested like you can’t believe, and I end up exhausted from the effort. But am I wiser for the effort? Often, I’m not so sure.

As a performance coach I endeavor to walk my talk and lead an honorable, honest life of integrity and wisdom. As a perfectionist I constantly monitor my behavior to see if I’m living up to my near impossible high standards. As a husband and father, friend and fellow human I am constantly reminded that even my best efforts are often misunderstood or missed entirely.

For the last 25 years I have kept a mental list of those I felt I had harmed in some way through hurtful words or deeds, misgivings, callous remarks, or ignorance. It’s a pretty hefty list and I’ve worn it like a hair shirt reminding me of the guilty feelings I chose to carry year after year.

So this year (2011) I decided to make a new resolution, I decided to let myself off the hook. I wrote down the list of the people who I felt I may have slighted in the past and I reviewed each one. In many cases I scratched them off, realizing that perhaps there was no harm or foul. In several cases I determined that while my actions may not have been up to snuff, what I received from them cancelled out any egregious behavior on my part. And in a very few cases I decided to reach out to the people I felt I had harmed in some way and apologize. In all of those cases I was met with reactions like “What? I don’t remember that” or “Shut up, I never took offense.” One of my closest friends told me simply “Of all the people I know, you could say anything you wanted to me and I know it was coming from a good place, you’re just not a jerk.”

That comment created a shift for me. All this time I was trying so hard not to be a jerk, I never actually considered that I never was one in the first place.

An unexpected byproduct resulted from this understanding… I began to take very good care of myself, learning and setting my own personal boundaries, releasing the need to take care of everyone’s feelings, not worrying every moment if what I was saying was offensive, or tactless. And as a result I realized that I didn’t have to resent others’ successes in life despite their less-than-perfect behavior. Resentment for me has been my kryptonite – a glowing green chain around my neck blocking my strength, limiting my power. No more. I’ve learned at 45 years old that life is one giant messy question mark, and we don’t have to have all the answers, or do the right things. It’s okay to not be perfect as long as you understand that being imperfect is actually… perfect.

Now, for 2012, I resolve to love my flaws and forgive all my past mistakes. Because after all it has been said that good judgment comes from experience... experience comes from poor judgment.

Here are 3 easy tips toward having the best year of your life:

1. Focus on what you’ve got. How often do you concentrate on what you’re not getting, not accomplishing, or losing out on, and miss the wonderfully positive things that surround you daily? Play your game, not someone else’s and you’ll be much happier on a day to day basis.
2. Follow the Yes’s. You have that plan in your head of what your life is supposed to look like, but often find yourself saying ‘this isn’t it.’ Let go of the plan and allow the opportunities before you to be your guide – follow them and they will lead you to new adventures and a new you.
3. Forgive. Start with yourself. I know for me personally the resentment I carry for my own reactions, thoughts, excuses, misgivings, missed steps, and misguided actions only serves to keep me in a place far from discovery and wonder. I don’t need to forgive anyone in my life because I am loved – what I need to do is forgive myself for not seeing that clearly.

You’ve got some time left before ringing in the new year. Why don’t climb up in the attic of your mind, or down to the basement of your heart, flip on the lights and toss out the old junk that’s taking up too much space, and gathering dust.

Now’s the time to do it. Next year is going to be your best yet.

-Know yourself, don’t NO yourself.

-Steve

Quoted in US News and World Report

Thrilled to be quoted in US News and World Report on surviving getting fired...




http://money.usnews.com/money/blogs/outside-voices-careers/2011/12/08/how-to-handle-getting-fired

Failure is not an option?

"There is no failure," my NLP coach once told me, "only feedback."

Penicillin was invented by mistake. The Lightbulb was the result of nearly 10,000 unusable versions before Edison was able to see the light. Neil Armstrong crashed the lunar lander in the simulator hundreds of times before sticking the perfect landing 250-thousand miles away from Earth on the surface of the moon with 6 seconds of fuel left.

Mistakes are important, necessary, helpful. As humans we instinctively reach further than our grasp in order to test how far we can go, often stumbling along the way, and learning valuable lessons that help guide us toward a more successful endeavor in the future.

Americans have become especially fearful of failure, trying desperately to avoid any bump in the road, hoping to make a perfect attempt on the first go. But that is exactly what gets us into trouble. By avoiding mistakes, you have nothing to learn from - nothing to help direct you toward the most perfect solution for you. We've scared ourselves out of being the best we can be by trying to be it before we're ready.

Here are three simple steps to making your life free of 'failure-fear' :

1. Don't talk yourself out of risk - especially before you start. Often the first no you might hear when taking on a bold new step is from yourself. Recognize that fear of falling on your face plays a huge part in just getting started. Many people have ideas, few see them through.

2. Visualize success. There's a great quote from Henry Ford: "If I listened to only what my customers wanted I would have built them a faster horse." Ford understood that risk, and belief in the outcome was key to his success. Set your goal in front of you like an oasis in the desert and start walking toward it. This is how you will accomplish your goal.

3. Celebrate the mistakes. See your failure as feedback, an opportunity to learn and move on, and value it. Once you remove the stigma of failure from the bumps along the way, you'll begin to see that your destination will be worth the journey it took to get there.

Be your best!

-Steve

Hone for the Holidays

Oh boy, this is it... the mad dash to the end of the year - how did we get here so fast? Wasn't it just July 4th? Okay, so I've got lists to make, packages to send, presents to buy, lines to stand in, bargains to shop, tree to decorate, house to decorate, other's decorations to envy... And don't forget about spending time with the family! What are you gonna do? It's the holidays!

So how is it that the season of celebration, joy, giving and family gatherings has become the time of the year that is most stressful? Because of the pressure we put on ourselves to have such a magical wonderful time, when things don't always feel that magical.

Visiting the family can be especially tough. As family members, we know each other better than anyone else – foibles, flaws, failures and more. And the hope that maybe this year things will be different turns to anger, distance and resentment when that one button gets pushed and nothing has changed at all. Even in the closest of families – the least dysfunctional – expectations of unity, peace and holiday spirit can be instantly dashed at the moment a family member’s annoying habit poisons our perfect holiday scenario.

Here are the three things you can do this holiday season to hone your family relationship skills and make your holiday gatherings a more positive experience:

1. Limit your exposure: If you know that a certain amount of time spent with a family member gets your blood boiling, then simply plan to spend less time with them. Get in, get out and get on with your life.

2. Practice forgiveness: If you’re carrying any unresolved resentment into a particular situation, you’re planning to have a fight. You’re not going to fix or change this person – especially not during the holiday. So let it go, forgive their past offenses – and suspend your own judgment of them – and see if you can remember what you love about them. Focus on their good attributes. Let’s face it – who among us is perfect?

3. Visualize a great time: Before you spend time with your friends or relatives, take five minutes and visualize yourself driving or flying home from the visit feeling good about it and happy that you spent time with them. Take that peaceful energy into the situation and you will look for ways to create it while you’re there.

We can’t choose our families, but we can choose to accept them for who they are, and allow ourselves to be who we are at the same time. Your holiday is yours to create -- any way you choose. This year choose to be the change you want to see in the family. Be forgiveness, be joy… BE MERRY!

-Be your best!

Steve

Forgiveness

I forgive you.

I forgive you for being harder on yourself than anyone else could ever be.
I forgive you for the lies you felt you had to tell to keep yourself safe from scrutiny.
I forgive you for being your own worst enemy.
I forgive you for fighting to be right, especially when you weren't sure if you were.
I forgive you for playing into the fear, and backing out of great opportunities.
I forgive you for the rage which consumed you, clouding your judgement and fueling the abuse to yourself and others.
I forgive you for hurting people, pushing them away, breaking their hearts.
I forgive you for doing your very best and still falling short of your goals.
I forgive you for the judgement you opposed on others who themselves struggle with their own shortcomings.
I forgive you for not saying anything or defending yourself when you were abused by others.
I forgive you for crying wolf when you weren't.
I forgive you for pushing away love while campaigning for it at the same time.
I forgive you for the mis-steps, the wrong turns, the dead ends, the misunderstandings, and the questionable choices.
I forgive you for falling down. Again and again and again and again and again.

And I thank you for getting back up every time.

New Coaching Video

Just posted a new video. Take a gander... Thanks!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gswr56fhHe0

The Blame Game - "I get to be right!"

Blame. It's an easy thing to assign, but takes a lot of work to avoid. And yet, placing blame or ignoring culpability is what we do best, isn't it?

Not too long ago I found myself living in the past. I was recalling a life transition I had made years earlier: leaving television completely and focusing fully on my coaching services (which ironically is Transitional Strategies!) I caught myself putting aside the excitement of my new path in favor of dwelling on choices I had made in the past which may have steered me away from a growing career as TV host and news personality. And I was reconnecting with the anger I felt years earlier.

As a younger man I loved my TV career. When I started in the business, I was determined to be the top host in the world - landing the best show on TV and giving it my all every week. I landed several big shows on big networks like HGTV, Discovery Channel, and National Geographic Channel, and to keep stability and make more money along the way I worked for a local TV news station doing traffic and weather. I had my goals firmly set, I had a plan for my life and my career, and I saw my finish line.

But all of that changed several years ago when an unusual set of circumstances came together in the perfect storm and I lost all 3 television projects I was working on within weeks of each other. In that one month span my entire plan was wiped out, and I was faced with a blank slate, and no other viable plan to replace it.

But I actually did have a back up plan, and I was already working it, I just didn't give it the credit it was due.

Since childhood I have been a student of enlightenment, motivation and serving others. When I was 10 I helped my grandfather deliver meals on wheels to his friends who were house-bound prompting one of our recipients to remark about me: "That kid has the heart of a volunteer." In grade school I found myself advising all my friends about their home lives, love lives, personal struggles and more. I just came naturally to me, and I had great results with it. I attended my first open AA meeting with my mother at the age of 13, and continued to go on my own for years after.

In college I studied the workshops and teachings of Tony Robbins, Zig Ziglar, Wayne Dyer, Leo Buscaglia, and many others. In my early 30's I completed the Landmark Education Curriculum for excellence, eventually becoming a head coach for Landmark programs in Los Angeles. In my late 30's, after hiring a coach to help me remove a serious personality block, I was so impressed with the techniques he used, I earned my own certification in Neuro-Linguistic Programming, Hypnotherapy and Timeline Therapy. All this work I treated as a hobby as I built my TV career.

But with my chosen career at a sudden standstill, I was faced with a choice - one that I had not considered previously because of my earlier success: Do I continue to pursue the elusive TV deal, or do I do what I've always done so well... help others? I chose the later and never looked back.

Until recently. Which brings me back to my point: Blame.

At the time of my great transition, I was filled with anger and blame for the people I held responsible for my circumstances. I blamed my parents, my brother, the TV executives, the business itself, and anyone else I could think of to fuel my anger and ultimately be right! By being angry at others, I got to be right about my position, and not focus any of the culpability where it belonged. With me.

And that's what blame does - it gives you the freedom to avoid personal responsibility, and be right about your anger. But hanging on to your anger and justifying it with blame only perpetuates the issue and its resolution can remain painfully at bay.

Take my example: As my TV career ended I was absolutely sure that the business and everyone in it was out to stop me from having what I wanted. I blamed everyone for the downfall I experienced and cursed the ones who were successful. I lived in that blame, being right, and staying stuck with no direction to turn.

Then one day, not too long after, I got an email from someone that I had helped when going through my NLP certification. As training, I took on someone (at no charge) who wanted to quit drinking. I had plenty of experience with alcoholism, and with my new NLP tools was able to get her to stop drinking completely. She had just reached her 1 year sobriety milestone and was writing to thank me for changing her life.

The letter floored me.

I realized by the time I was done reading it that from early on in my life I was a major success. My volunteer heart, my love for enlightenment, motivation, and helping others along with my personal experiences all added up to who I have become now. But to get here, I needed to stop blaming others for what were ultimately my choices.

It was my choice to pursue a life in television where very few people achieve lasting success. It was my choice to stay in a career which was so dramatically up and down. It was my choice to try to prove to myself and others that I could achieve the goals I set despite the odds. I chose the life, but I didn't choose it powerfully - which means the bad with the good - and ultimately discovered we just weren't meant for each other. At least not right now.

Accountability set me free from the trap of blind persistence and I, my clients, and you are all the beneficiaries of that change. I am living my destiny and its effortless.

So what does accountability mean for you? When was the last time you challenged yourself to release blame and take responsibility for your own choices? Pick one time in your life where you blamed others for something that could have been easily your responsibility and revisit the issue. Close your eyes, focus on the whole issue, and see if you can see your part in it.

Look at something differently, and that thing changes.

Be your best,

-Steve

My 'Life as a House'

In 2001, Kevin Kline starred in a movie about George, a divorced father in the final stages of his losing battle with cancer, trying to reconnect with his estranged 16-year-old son, while also rebuilding the broken pieces of his own past by tearing down the dilapidated house left to him by his abusive father, and building a new one in its place. If you haven't seen this amazing movie its worth a watch - mainly for the poignant final words spoken in the film as it fades to black.

The thrust of the tome serves as a window into the core of our struggle as humans - we're all doing our best with what we've been given, despite often appearing to be doing much less in the eyes of those who love and need us the most.

When George demands that his son join him for the summer to help finish building the house, he is met with huge resistance. George's son spends most of the summer trying to get out of the sun-up to sun-down work his father asks of him. By the end of the film, however, George reveals he is battling cancer and he needs his son to finish the house he won't be able to complete on his own. His son, struck by opposing feelings of rage, concern, and needful love, releases his final anger towards his father and becomes the caretaker his father could never be. The two reunite in a final effort to end the cycle of misunderstanding, rage, and abuse, and George's son comes to love his father in a way George's father never earned.

For me the film was the catalyst for my improved relationship with my dad; I was able to see my father as George, the tormented workaholic who was harder on himself than any member of his family, and as a result nearly lost everyone close to him because of his behavior. But my dad, like George, is really a good guy - talented and smart, funny and loving. It was his circumstances (demanding job, impossible home life growing up, demons of his own past behavior haunting him constantly) that kept him from enjoying a life free from the scorn of others he may have hurt. I came to know my father as a person, not an unreachable entity, and I realized that he - like all of us - is doing his best with what he was given to make it in this world.

He's a good man and a really good grandfather, and I'm so happy to have him in my life and in the lives of my children.

For my own story, I was determined to tear away the rotting wood, weak foundations, and leaky plumbing in my 'house' before it became an expensive tear-down. Part of that personal remodel for me was the understanding that while doing my best I am going to stumble, make mistakes with my children and wife, and not always be perfect... and that's okay. I'm doing my best with what I've been given, while seeking wisdom and growth - and that's enough.

What parts of your house need remodeling? Is your foundation strong enough to take on some renovations? Who will benefit from the new you? Wouldn't it be wonderful if at the end of your movie, when your house is complete, you've left a warm hearth in which your loved ones can find comfort?

Be your best!
-Steve

Crisis Management

Are you grateful for the bad as well as the good? To live life fully, understanding that a crisis can often turn into an opportunity for growth, is what will allow you to truly accept your life and find peace and joy despite obstacles. There is a great saying: We are never as happy or unhappy as we think we are. Wise words, and if you think about it, you'll see it's really true.

With a huge pit in my stomach I share with you that my wife and I found out that yet another family we are close to has a child who has been diagnosed with cancer. That makes 5 close friends of ours with kids who are going through some kind of treatment for cancer - none of them older than 8 years old.

When we heard the latest news, we were devastated for our friends. We collected our two beautiful children and hugged them tight, giving them every ounce of love, health, and abundance we could. But the parents of these children all have one thing in common my wife and I are certain we may not be able to possess: Resolve. None of them - NOT ONE OF THE PARENTS - has ever said to us "Why me? Why my child? This isn't fair!" Instead they have become advocates, leaders, experts at things called hydrocephalus and multiple myeloma. They research, investigate, probe, question, get 9 opinions, and demand the best from every doctor - all while remaining poised and positive for their stricken child. These ordinary folks have become leaders of their cause, advocates for their children, heroes to the rest of us. It's an incredible thing to witness.

I have learned so much about strength from people I would never judge for falling apart due to their circumstances. Instead I have seen these brave parents (and their brave children) rise to the challenges in front of them and I am humbled. And I am grateful for what I have.

The Chinese symbol for crisis is also the symbol for opportunity. Who are you in times of great challenge? What lemon in your life will you turn to lemonade today? And what are you grateful for right now? I wish all of you the best of health.

Be your best!
-Steve

Rest in Peace, Steve Jobs

He was the Eli Whitney of the Information Age

The Apple of Your i

Apple just unveiled the new iPhone 4S today. It's faster, has better graphics, a better camera, and a voice activation feature that made one engineer in the Artificial Intelligence field stand up and clap.

Here's the link if you want to check it out: http://bit.ly/plDjyc

So here we are - just a few short years from integrating machine and man to the point where we will be inseparable and I can't help but wonder... "is this a good thing, or not a good thing?"

No matter what, the technology will continue and generations after us will look at us as primitive monkeys with sticks fighting the future, afraid of change - just like we tend to do with those who came before us, so wondering if its right or not is simply a waste of spirit.

What we should be thinking about is what will be lost in the process of acquiring so much technology. What part of ourselves may soon disappear much like a vast percentage of our vocabulary has in the last 100 years. And not just what we say, but whether we say it or not is in jeopardy. As we connect more than ever before humans are standing back from each other socially, and that's, well, disappointing to me. It seems easier to text someone when you're breaking up with them than to do it face to face.

Human face-to-face interaction is still the best way to connect with someone. After all 93% of all communication is non-verbal, and by texting and typing and emailing everybody, we're only getting 7% of the messages intended, and that can lead to a kind of loss you may not have even been aware of feeling.

Next time you see a neighbor on the street, or a friend, or have the opportunity to get out of your house and see someone - do it. The heart can't be warmed by "LOL" and there's nothing that can replace a smile - certainly not ":-)"

Know yourself, don't NO yourself
-Coach Steve

The NO Zone

Who are you stumbling for? Who are you failing for? Who are you drinking / drugging for?

Tough question, although not really. Often the very people you blame for your problems in your life are the ones you may be hanging your disfunction on as a reason to stay dysfunctional. After all pain, rejection, disappointment - these are simple, expected emotions. Victory, achievement, joy - these are emotions you may not always expect on a consistent basis, but pine for nonetheless.

This is what I call living in The NO Zone; a place we desperately wish we could get out of, but one that is too familiar, certain, and consistent to leave because at least you know what to expect from it. It's safer to stay here and live a life of want, than to venture out and risk losing everything. And so you stay in your corner and develop elaborate schemes to blame outside forces for your immobilization. This blame game is simple: you have a person or event in your life which you wear like a coat, protecting you from risking a more powerful future, a more positive life. Perhaps you have your whole story set up: "He did this, so therefore I am like this..." you'll say to yourself and anyone else who listens. "I'm like this because of this..." you might continue.

Enough.

Today is the day you release your 'reasons' for failure and take on a new story of success - a story you can begin writing right now with these simple phrases...

"Today is the day. I am the person."
"I make the choice, God makes the change."

You already know what you need to let go of to move forward. Jealousy of another, hatred, blame, resentment, and on and on. You already know, but hanging on to these negative emotions let you have one aspect of control over your life - being RIGHT. You get to be right about your anger by making the other person / thing wrong.

And so you stay in The NO Zone getting to be right, and never moving forward.

Are you ready to release this negative aspect and begin anew? Today? NOW?

If so, you have one thing to do - you already know what it is. Do it and the results will astound you.

Today is the day. You are the person. You make the choice, God will make the change.

Choose wisely, powerfully, lovingly... and see what happens.

Know yourself, don't NO yourself.

Being Of Service - Creating a More Productive, Happier YOU

What is your gift? What are you better at than anyone you know? Are you sharing that talent with the world?

I can tell you in my own life that discovering my true calling; coaching people through transitions in their lives, was only the beginning of my journey toward so called ‘success.’ Once I had a clear picture of who I was as a coach, I was still left with that nagging question: “Now what?”

If you’re stuck in a “Now What?” phase situation, the best move to take is toward knowing yourself and your skills better. Below are my 4 Players of Productivity. Each character represents a part of the brain that we all access from time to time. You will no doubt relate to one or two of these players.

1. She’s the Boss – The leader, the person in charge who has a final vision in mind and gets the best people around her to accomplish the task at hand. She is demanding, but acknowledging, tough, but fair. She rules the roost. Her no-nonsense approach takes no prisoners, but leaves none behind.

2. The Idea Guy. He takes the boss’s vision and conceptualizes a big picture plan of what the outcome can look like. He sees the project from start to finish without sweating the details. He gets excited about the plan, rallies the group, and explains the vision with gusto. His creativity and spirit motivates the group.

3. Room Mom. The nurturer of the group. She makes sure that everyone is happy, working together, and has everything they need to work effectively. Not concerned with outcomes, details, or the big picture, the HRC simply wants everyone to have the best experience possible working together to create the best possible outcome.

4. The Accountant – You’ll find him in the back room with his head down, focused intensely on the details of the project: budget; contracts; specific wording; and all the other details that must be attended to in order to make sure the project is done right the first time. Without the Accountant, too many things would be left to chance, increasing risk, and minimizing results.

You may have a combination of two or three of these key players. A rare few possess all four equally. If you’re stuck in the “Now What?” phase and need a boost, get out and let your strongest trait shine to the world. Be the Boss and lead the PTA at your kids’ school. Take on the VP role and conceptualize a neighborhood block party, getting others on the block to work out the details and invitations. If you’re the HRC type, step up at work where you can utilize your caring, nurturing style to increase happiness and productivity. And if you’re the accountant type, see if there’s someone in your life who needs a detail-oriented person like you to help them sort through a mess.

The answer to the “Now What?” questions may be out of your control. But if you’re not happy, you’re not utilizing your talents to their fullest. Don’t worry about getting paid right now – there’s more in the joy of doing what you do best (and doing it for others) than any paycheck can bring. Serve, and see what comes back to you.

Know yourself, don’t know yourself

3 Tips to keep you in the "Yes" column in your life

I recently published a post in Maria Shriver's blog section of her website. Hope this helps you keep yourself away from the "No's" and flirty with the "Yes's"! Enjoy: http://bit.ly/pKbqR9

Fear Itself

Fear is in the mind. So it stands to reason that if the mind can create the fear, then it can cure the fear as well, right?



As reported in the Sept 7th issue of Science Daily...

"When healthy people are faced with threatening situations, they react with a suitable behavioural response and do not descend into a state of either panic or indifference, as is the case, for example, with patients who suffer from anxiety."

The study goes on to show how scientists have identified the stress-causing circuits which can cause anxiety and increase unwanted fear, hoping to create a more specific drug to treat the symptoms of fear and anxiety.

The shame here is that you and I both know what causes the anxiety which increases the fear. Anxiety is fear of the future turning out badly. If we project a bad outcome, based on previous bad outcomes, we will focus on that unreal, but projected outcome and assume its going to happen - opening up a flood gate of emotions, fears, and behaviors which will steer us right into the outcome we so fear. This is known as a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's like driving on a snowy road; conditions are slick and dangerous. All of a sudden we see a light pole ahead and we want to avoid it, but because it is something we fear, it becomes the one thing we focus on and eventually we smash right into it! This is what anxiety does to our lives - it steers us right into the very thing we fear, because it is the very thing we're focusing on.

Try this simple exercise to reduce anxiety...

Pick something in your future that scares you: A job interview; a blind date; public speaking; paying your property taxes! Now close your eyes and imagine yourself 15 minutes after the event feeling amazing, everything went off without a hitch, you nailed it, nothing went wrong! Now take that emotion and put yourself 15 minutes before the event. Where's the fear? Is it still there, or is it gone?

Remember... fear is created by our own minds, so we can stop it and reverse it. Understand that the reason you fear something is because you don't have a relationship with its positive outcome. So create one, and the anxiety will melt away.

Know yourself, don't NO yourself

Ted Pink shares his wisdom for 21st Century management

Hello friends.  A very passionate speaker teaches us about how our ever-changing and evolving lives in business as well as in life can often be right in front of us, but not be seen.  Enjoy this clip: